After I just read my last post I scrolled down and saw my "Time" entry, and I had to chuckle. Basically the quote below that picture sums up all my questions. I know that life is crazy sometimes and sometimes I do wonder about Adam and I, but, "for those who love time is eternity." No time with Adam is time wasted. I'm learning more about myself everyday and relationships and I can't look at it as time wasted if it ends. And so what if I spend a year with him, I have so much more heart to give and so much more love to share that it doesn't even matter. I just need to keep my head up and keep truckin'. Even if things don't work out with Adam, "every little thing, is gonna be alright." If it does work out with him, fabulous, but I can't keep focusing on the negative and "if it doesn't." I need to know that right now I love him and this is what I want, so I need to live in the moment.
I feel like I don't get to talk to him very often, which is fine. I just need to appreciate it when I do get to hear his voice and I need to appreciate it when I do get to hold his hand and hug him. It's all worth it, because I have an eternity.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Time
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
Dear Adam
Hey,
So last night I think we had the most serious talk of our relationship ever, and I have never felt so confused about anything in my whole entire life. I thought that talking about things was supposed to clear things up, not make it worse.
I first of all want to say that how you've dealth with everything since I've come to school is absolutely perfect. I never could have made this work for this long with anyone else.
Long distance relationships honestly are so hard. I know it's not easy for you and it definitely isn't easy for me either, but the bottom line for me is that I know being with you is what I want. We've talked before about how neither of us like feeling vulnerable and I think that puts us in a really bad situtation.
I feel like sometimes I act like I don't care about you as much as I really do because I'm afraid of two things. First of all, I'm afraid to put myself out there like that because I know how easily you could just break me and I feel like if I just keep some of my feelings to myself I protect myself. The other thing that I think about is scaring you away. If I tell you exactly how I feel and you misinterpret it or don't feel the same way then where does that leave us?
Sometimes I think about how easy it would be if I just never allowed myself to feel this much for you. I would never have to worry about ever getting hurt or feeling distant or anything. For me though, the people that mean a lot to me in life mean everything to me and relationships and friendships and laughs with friends is what makes it all worth it, so I know it's all worth it with you.
Last night though when you saidf you were doubting long distance relationships, I kinda freaked out. I know I doubt it sometimes too and I hoenstly think it's normal. Of course we're gonna doubt it sometimes. We're barely ever together and we're both pretty independent people who do our own things and when we're so far away it really can be difficult to feel together and close. I think though if I take a step back from it all, I realize it all comes down to if our love is enough.
Honestly I think being at school has made me love you so much more, because I meet so many other guys that just don't even compare to you. So for me, our love is enough. I know it may not always and everyday isn't going to be perfect, but I still want it.
When I'm with you Adam, I seriously feel like the rest of the world doesn't even matter. When I don't see you for a couple weeks and then I feel your arms around me and I smell you and it feels right. You fit.
Last night after our conversation I was wondering if maybe we should break up so that you can make your decisions about school and what you want, but I don't feel like that is a legitimate decision at all. I want you to be happy though, and if you'd be happier without me then I don't want to hold you back from anything.
About you coming to Bloom, I almost feel like I'm encouraging you not to come here because I don't want you to "follow" me, but if the major here is what you want then I think you could be really happy here.
I don't know what I want from you really, or if I want anything from you. I just really want you to know that I still want this and I don't feel like our time is over. I just know that right now I want you.
So last night I think we had the most serious talk of our relationship ever, and I have never felt so confused about anything in my whole entire life. I thought that talking about things was supposed to clear things up, not make it worse.
I first of all want to say that how you've dealth with everything since I've come to school is absolutely perfect. I never could have made this work for this long with anyone else.
Long distance relationships honestly are so hard. I know it's not easy for you and it definitely isn't easy for me either, but the bottom line for me is that I know being with you is what I want. We've talked before about how neither of us like feeling vulnerable and I think that puts us in a really bad situtation.
I feel like sometimes I act like I don't care about you as much as I really do because I'm afraid of two things. First of all, I'm afraid to put myself out there like that because I know how easily you could just break me and I feel like if I just keep some of my feelings to myself I protect myself. The other thing that I think about is scaring you away. If I tell you exactly how I feel and you misinterpret it or don't feel the same way then where does that leave us?
Sometimes I think about how easy it would be if I just never allowed myself to feel this much for you. I would never have to worry about ever getting hurt or feeling distant or anything. For me though, the people that mean a lot to me in life mean everything to me and relationships and friendships and laughs with friends is what makes it all worth it, so I know it's all worth it with you.
Last night though when you saidf you were doubting long distance relationships, I kinda freaked out. I know I doubt it sometimes too and I hoenstly think it's normal. Of course we're gonna doubt it sometimes. We're barely ever together and we're both pretty independent people who do our own things and when we're so far away it really can be difficult to feel together and close. I think though if I take a step back from it all, I realize it all comes down to if our love is enough.
Honestly I think being at school has made me love you so much more, because I meet so many other guys that just don't even compare to you. So for me, our love is enough. I know it may not always and everyday isn't going to be perfect, but I still want it.
When I'm with you Adam, I seriously feel like the rest of the world doesn't even matter. When I don't see you for a couple weeks and then I feel your arms around me and I smell you and it feels right. You fit.
Last night after our conversation I was wondering if maybe we should break up so that you can make your decisions about school and what you want, but I don't feel like that is a legitimate decision at all. I want you to be happy though, and if you'd be happier without me then I don't want to hold you back from anything.
About you coming to Bloom, I almost feel like I'm encouraging you not to come here because I don't want you to "follow" me, but if the major here is what you want then I think you could be really happy here.
I don't know what I want from you really, or if I want anything from you. I just really want you to know that I still want this and I don't feel like our time is over. I just know that right now I want you.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Torn
For so long I have felt so torn in so many ways. Everyone always compliments me on how well rounded I am, but sometimes it really fucking sucks. I have so many sides of me and opinions that sometimes I get so lost amongst it all. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. It changes so much from day to day. Somedays I am so driven to succeed in school and other times all I want to do is drop out and travel and be like Dan. Is it normal? To feel so ambivalent about things?
A boy I graduated from High School with died in a car accident on Friday night. Makes you think. Life is short. So, so short. Why shouldn't I spend the time here doing things that I really want to? Martin was a great, great kid. He complimented my outfit everyday last year and always left me smiling. He was always positive and had something funny to say about life and cheer people up. What if I am focusing on things that don't even matter? If I'm making a difference in people's lives and discovering things about myself and contributing to society then what more can I ask?
I guess it all comes back to asking yourself what you want from life. I don't know what I want. I want a nice front porch and a husband that loves me. I want freedom though too. I want wind in my hair and sand beneath my feet. I want freedom from everything. Money, my life, my friends. I just want the opportunity to live life for me for a little while.
At the end of the day when I look at what is around me I always wonder how much of this is here because I actually wanted it. So many of the things I have I could care less if they were all thrown out my window right now. What I really want from life is memories and laughs and friendships. I know that's what matters. I can have that here. I really do believe I can make myself happy here, but so far I keep trying and it just isn't working yet. I just still feel so lost.
I feel like it's so easy for me to make "friends" but so hard for me to make friends. Everyone always comes to me with all their problems and questions about life but I don't have anything figured out, so why the hell would they ask me? And if they think I have it all together then who am I trying to fool? Why can't I be honest with myself and say I don't know what I want? Why is that so scary for me?
I think because then I look around and see all these people who come to me feeling lost and I wonder if maybe it is better to pretend I know what I want then to be lost in this world. When you're lost, you lose focus. And then you fuck up. I really don't want to fuck up. I have so much pressure riding on me.
I feel like my parents want me to succeed so badly. What if I don't make it? What if I can't make their dreams come true for me? I know if I ever told them this they would be so sad. They wouldn't ever want me to do anything that wasn't what I wanted, but if I don't know what I want, then why can't I just use their dreams for me? I just know Speech Pathology is secure, and couldn't we all use a little security in our lives? I want to know my family will be secure if I ever have one. I want to know my job is secure and my future is secure. I think that is why I could never commit myself fully to a world of wandering and soul searching because I need security and a back bone.
See, this is why I love blogging. Now I know I can't do what Dan does. I need stability and structure in my life. I need to feel like I'm working for something and going somewhere or else I will just feel like I'm seriously wasting time.
Even when I look at my friends though it reminds me of how lost I am, because they are all so seriously different. Joanna is such a pot head and I love her, and Cailee and all my speech friends are just the nicest, happiest girls. I want to be as simple and driven as them, but I'm not. I just have so much more.
Saturday I had my first experience with LSD.
"That's one reason LSD still fascinates us (and still attracts willing new test subjects) today. Because it promises -- in a single, paradigm-busting session inside a user's own head -- a journey filled with awe and mystery to people whose lives have been bleached white with conformism and consumerism and every other kind of -ism, except self-determinism and love."
http://www.doitnow.org/pages/115.html
Let me start from the beginning. We took it in the car shortly before we reached Bloomsburg. The plan was to start tripping mildly and then get to Ricketts Glen and start to really trip there. As soon as I took it knew I started to feel differently, but I thought it was just me getting paranoid about feeling differently, so I couldn't tell. We got to Bloom within about twenty minutes of taking it and by the time I was in my dorm I knew I was starting to feel it. My skin felt weird. Different. Oddly receptive to touch. I called my friend Joanna who was supposed to be coming with us, but she wasn't ready so we had to wait. It was Adam, and Cole, and I just chilling in my room. They were both laughing and smiling so much and I was too. My jaws honestly hurt a little bit because I just could not stop smiling and laughing with them. I just felt so alive and like the world around me was such a great place to be.
Ricketts Glen is about forty five minutes away from Bloomsburg, so it was kind of a long car ride. The whole time though I was just chilling really. Cole and I were in the back seat but I was feeling seriously cramped. The car ride there was starting to make me feel so unsure about the whole thing. Had I made the right decision to trip? Would I regret this? My legs felt so restless I just couldn't stand it. I wanted to get out and run not just sit in the car. I remember looking out the front window and thinking I was really starting to feel physically ill. My stomach felt nauseus and I didn't know how much more I could take of this car ride. Everyone else seemed to be doing so fine though. I didn't know how to handle it. I kept on thinking about Martin's death and wondering if how he felt before he died. Wondering what was going through his head. I started freaking out about having a bad trip. I had many conversations in my head calming myself down on that car ride.
The scary thing about acid is once you take it, you can't just let get it out of your system. Weed, you can go to sleep. Alcohol, you can throw up. Acid, you're stuck with it. It's in your central nervous system for up to twelve hours so if you're gonna get fucked, you're gonna get fucked for a long time. I kinda told myself this and realized I wanted this to be a good experience so I tried to focus on good things.
By the time we arrived at Ricketts Glen I was starting to feel very, very strange. We set out on our journey not knowing exactly where we were going at all. Joanna took a hit finally, to join the club. The first thing I really noticed was how my body felt though. I felt extremely cold, even in the beginning. I definitely didn't feel it in my mind for a long time. As we were walking we came upon a nice spot next to the stream and we stopped for awhile. The acid made me strangely paranoid.
Whenever Adam would talk to Joanna I felt extremely jealous and irritable. I was wondering if I was doing something wrong and why he wasn't talking or enjoying his trip with me. The first place we stopped I got my camera out and took some pictures. It was a beautiful place, and it would have been even if I wasn't tripping. Some of my pictures were turning out really strangely. They were turning out like lime, lime green and the leaves were transparent in the pictures. It was so strange and I first I honestly couldn't tell if it was me tripping or just my camera. Joanna confirmed that the pictures were indeed turning out like that. At this point, everything was starting to look really cool. Cole and Adam were both smoking cigs and Black and Milds and the smoke billowing just looked incredible. I lit myself up a Black and Mild and just was obsessed with watching the smoke pool around my hair and sweatshirt hood. I felt like every time I blew out it just should have been smoke. My mind was fascinated with the idea of the shapes it formed and how it billowed around me.
At this point Adam and Joanna were starting to talk more and I remember feeling extremely agitated so I took my camera and myself to another perch. I was enjoying snapping pictures of the moving water and the small waves and splashes that were taking place around me. I felt particularly aware of my body and how I was sitting and how my limbs felt curled around me. I was still cold. Just undeniably, incurably cold. As I was sitting a little ways away from the group, Cole ventured over. I still had my camera out and I had him pose for a while on some rocks. He was still smoking a black and mild and I took picture after picture of him laughing and blowing out smoke. I couldn't stop staring at how the smoke was taken up into the sky. It looked so beautiful with the sun streaming through it.
Shortly after this we continued our journey up the trail. On our way, we passed some people. Passing people was the oddest part of our trip. I didn't want to look at them. For some reason though, I felt like everyone was tripping and we were all a part of a big experiment or test. I felt like it was the most reasonable thing for all of us to be tripping on a day like today. The next place we went was when I really started to trip. We were sitting on a big boulder right next to the water and the water just moved in one continuous sheet. Even as it rolled over rocks and crashed on boulders it just kept moving and flowing relentlessly down the river. I couldn't understand how it was all so perfectly connected. Things stood out to me like never before. I noticed patterns in the trees around us. There was a group of trees on the bank across from us that were all bending the same way in a row. I kept on looking at them and wondering what had convinced them to bend. I also kept thinking how badly I wanted to plunge in the water. I still wasn't completely giving into the tripping because I knew it was the acid thinking that, and not me.
Cole and Adam both took two hits of acid and at this point they were seeing crazy visuals. They were both lying on the rocks while Joanna and I chatted away idly. The strangest thing was happening though, Joanna kept talking to me but she was just using her lips and we were having whole conversations until Cole or Adam would look over and realize she wasn't saying words and ask, "what the fuck is she doing?" and then it was like the spell was broken and I couldn't understand her anymore. our connection had been broken by their interruption. We were so fascinated with everything though.
It was while we were on those boulders that I really started to want to be with someone. I had this relentless desire to connect with someone. Adam had been sitting against this tree by himself so I went over and sat next to him and held his hand, but I was so restless. My hand muscles kept contracting and expanding like I needed to grip onto something. I would clutch my pants strangely and grab the rocks and trees around me. I kept rubbing my hand against itself just to give myself the sensation I desired. I did not have the connection with Adam that I was looking for at all. He was in a totally different state than I was and we were not connecting at all. I wanted to be held and touch his body and talk, but he was completely involved in his visuals. The group started suggesting another move, but I didn't know if I could handle it. I felt like my body was so oddly proportioned and hard to control. Sometime during this sit I had put on Adam's huge sweatshirt to try and keep myself warm, but it didn't help.
As our journey continued it got harder and harder to hike. I kept on getting distracted by things and I hated passing people. Cole and Adam were hiking so far ahead of us and I just felt so lost. Like I needed to be babysat. No matter how drunk I have ever been or how high I have ever been, I always felt like I could take care of myself, but I could not handle this. I needed someone to hold my hand. I wanted Adam so badly, but he was so absorbed in Cole and his own trip he really didn't notice me. Not that I hold it against him, but it was seriously depressing me at the time.
This one tree joanna and I walked under was like an entryway. As soon as I walked under it I remember stopping and saying, "Woah." I turned around and Joanna had just stepped into the same archway. I asked her if she had felt it and she had. We had just entered something else. It wasn't Ricketts Glen. That archway took us someplace else. Far, far away from Bloomsburg and everything I had ever known. We both agreed that we weren't where we had started. After this, the trip really began.
My crazy, wild thoughts began to flow as continuously as the river. With no real connection between them, just flow. I just kept thinking about the world around me. I wondered about if I had ever even entered the woods before and how I was on this journey. I kept stopping and touching and feeling and looking. I had never felt so alive. There was this connection I felt to something so much bigger than myself. I still wanted Adam so badly though. I wanted to be next to him and talk to him. I couldn't vocalize any of my thoughts though. No one else seemed to have that problem. Cole and Adam couldn't stop laughing and Joanna would not stop talking. She was like a little chatter box! It was so weird though because our thoughts were on two completely different levels. I was thinking deep thoughts about my purpose in life and she was thinking more shallow thoughts about how she felt at the moment. It was so weird because I was sooo in touch with my senses, but also so in touch with my brain. I just kept wondering about life and so many things. When we got to the first legitimate waterfall Cole kept signaling to me to get in the picture but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I remember nodding like I was going to get in the picture, but I just didn't want to, so I Didn't. I stayed put. I didn't want pictures I wanted to figure out what was going on in my head. I still wanted Adam. I just wanted it to be the two of us.I wanted to talk to him and help him explain what was happening to me. Why couldn't I speak?
Whenever we passed people I felt like they were all in on our little secret. I thought they had to know, but I didn't want them to know so I kept my head down and my eyes averted. I felt like I was stumbling, but I was walking fine.
One thing that stands out at me is how quiet the whole experience seemed. Even when people were talking or our music was playing, I felt deaf. My senses were so heightened, but I really couldn't hear or speak for the longest time. I just felt this energy pulsing through me and this continuous flowing of ideas.
The only person I wanted to connect with was Adam. Cole kept freaking me out because all he kept on asking me was how I liked tripping and I didn't' know what to say. I wasn't thinking about the trip itself, I was thinking about crazy existential ideas that I had never experienced before. And Joanna just kept on talking the most ridiculous nonsense that I felt like I was babysitting.
By the time we started venturing back my mind was whirling with ideas. Cole and Adam were still hiking so far ahead of us and leaving me in the back with Joanna. I wanted to be by myself in the forest. If I couldn't be with Adam then I didn't want to be with anyone and I just wanted to think about the nature and this world that I am such a small part of.
The strangest part of the trip happened at the end though. I still couldn't talk and I finally got a minute to be by myself when Cole and Adam were distracted by Joanna. I was walking along in the forest and I literally couldn't hear anything. I felt like a part of the forest. I was there and it was just me and the trees and the leaves and the sun and the trail. I felt like I was breathing with it. A living, breathing part of the forest. That connection that I had been wanting to have with Adam I think I had it with the woods instead, as strange as that seems. I felt like nothing could take me out of this world. I couldn't speak at all during this time though. And shortly after I had this connection Cole came up behind me and started asking me about my trip again and kind of broke me out of my spell.
I had had to go to the bathroom for the longest time, but I kept on forgetting. So we stopped and they told me to go pee behind a tree, but when I went behind the tree I just leaned up against it and listened to the deafening silence and again I had that connection with the woods. It was almost heavy on my chest the feeling. I felt remorseful about something but also deeply encouraged. I felt for once like I had found a purpose and it was obvious, to be a part of that forest. It was a very long bathroom break and I forgot to go to the bathroom.
I came back out from behind the tree and Joanna was halfway up a mountain. They made me follow her up and we discovered the most perfect little mushroom. We didn't want to move it from its place though, so I brought it back down in my hands and I could have sworn I was holding the mushroom, but when I got back down the mountain I told Adam and Cole to look at the mushroom in my hands, but I wasn't holding anything. I smacked the palm of my hand because I could see it wasn't there, but I felt like I was still holding it.
The last attempt of me trying to connect with Adam happened after the mushroom incident. I still didn't feel like I could talk but I was reaching my hand out to him as he was walking so far ahead of me with Cole and I was SCREAMING his name in my head, but I just couldn't get it to come out! I just held my hand out and I felt so alone. I wanted him to come and connect with me and hold my hand and hug me and hold me, but he wouldn't turn around. It was the saddest I think I may have ever been. I felt like he was walking away from me for forever. It was breaking my heart that he didn't want me like I wanted him.
The car ride back to Bloom was strange too. Joanna and I were still seriously tripping, but Adam and Cole seemed to be fine. I kept on feeling like I was the one being ostracized from the group though. I hated it.
I still couldn't speak on the car ride back but I just wanted to yell to Adam to stop the car. I wanted to get out and just sit in a field and be left there. I felt like no one wanted me and I had no place in this car with these people, but I wasn't sad about it. I just wanted to find something else to appreciate me if those people wouldn't. I felt the like the world was calling me to leave these people and join it, whatever it was because it wanted me and it had a purpose for me. By the time we got back to Bloom I could kind of talk and handle myself.
When we got back Adam and Cole immediately wanted to go out and get crazy but I just wanted to think and be and discover. I sent them out to get burritos and was so relieved to finally be left alone with my tripping self. I danced in the mirror and touche my stomach and my hair. I kept staring at the wrinkles in my face. I wanted to know myself. I tried to clean my room but I couldn't focus.
I kept on wondering if there was a little acid in all of us always, because I could connect some feelings that I was having to moments of extreme euphoria when I wasn't tripping. Like the Jack concert, or the Felice Brothers concert. I don't know what happened that day, but I feel more in touch with myself.
Overall, I enjoyed my trip. The world is indeed a beautiful place to be and I was more in touch with it then ever. Everything was so vivid and beautiful. I will probably do it again, but it takes up a lot of time.
Oh, and the other thing I forgot to mention was I completely lost all concepts of time and the whole day occurred in moments. I kept on remembering moments. It was all pieced together, but then string connecting the events was thin and hard to find. It was a long, strange day, but I'm happy I did it.
I loved it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I got my first speeding ticket yesterday. Awesome. Haha. I was going 50 in a 35 and my fine is $139.50. I always thought I would cry when I got my first ticket and try and suck up to the officer, but I think I have too much pride for that. I was so pissed. I just wanted to be done with him and back on the road. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't friendly. It really didn't shake me up that much though.
Anyway, I was driving because I was going to Carlisle to visit Jessica for her birthday. It took like 2 and a half hours when everything was said and done and I skipped three classes for her today, but it was worth it. I think the people in life that you care about are definitely worth making the effort for. There aren't many people in the world that I love as much as Jessica, so it was definitely worth it.
So far Bloomsburg is cool. Ha. I've met some people who are pretty chill, but no one that I am like obsessed with or anything. Just like alright friends. We'll see how it goes once time gets further along and I've been here for longer, but as of now I could take college or leave it. It's kinda just like a continuation of high school, people really don't grow up that much. Boys are still tools, and for the most part girls are still bitches. Surprise, surprise. Ha. I hope I start to like it more, but we'll see. Maybe I should transfer to Penn State. I really miss Rachel.
Sidenote, I might want to start dealing drugs? Just a thought...
Anyway, I was driving because I was going to Carlisle to visit Jessica for her birthday. It took like 2 and a half hours when everything was said and done and I skipped three classes for her today, but it was worth it. I think the people in life that you care about are definitely worth making the effort for. There aren't many people in the world that I love as much as Jessica, so it was definitely worth it.
So far Bloomsburg is cool. Ha. I've met some people who are pretty chill, but no one that I am like obsessed with or anything. Just like alright friends. We'll see how it goes once time gets further along and I've been here for longer, but as of now I could take college or leave it. It's kinda just like a continuation of high school, people really don't grow up that much. Boys are still tools, and for the most part girls are still bitches. Surprise, surprise. Ha. I hope I start to like it more, but we'll see. Maybe I should transfer to Penn State. I really miss Rachel.
Sidenote, I might want to start dealing drugs? Just a thought...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Family
Today I spent the day with Jessica in Carlisle. It was quite eventful! We went tubing for a couple hours and then climbed at this gym called the Climbnasium for three hours! My arms are so ridiculously sore, but it was definitely worth it. It was so, so fun! I think I could really, really get into it! I just need shoes and then I'm going going gone! Haha.
Anyway, while I was tubing today and hanging out with Jessica I realized that I've been having all these issues about how I feel like I can't relate to my friends and they really don't ever understand me fully, but the best part about family is that they really do understand you so well. Everything i've been thinking about life and love and the whole world Jessica just understood and could relate to. There is this one quote that says, "To be great is to be misunderstood." I don't want to believe that. I want to be great and do great things, and I plan to, but at the end of the day knowing that there is someone who understands you and supports you is much more important than being great, for me atleast. If I had to choose between greatness or being understood, I'd choose being understood every time. If you're great, and no one understands you then you have no one to share all of your joy with anyway, so what's the point? Just find someone to love you. Love is what makes life worth living.
"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." -The Notebook
Anyway, while I was tubing today and hanging out with Jessica I realized that I've been having all these issues about how I feel like I can't relate to my friends and they really don't ever understand me fully, but the best part about family is that they really do understand you so well. Everything i've been thinking about life and love and the whole world Jessica just understood and could relate to. There is this one quote that says, "To be great is to be misunderstood." I don't want to believe that. I want to be great and do great things, and I plan to, but at the end of the day knowing that there is someone who understands you and supports you is much more important than being great, for me atleast. If I had to choose between greatness or being understood, I'd choose being understood every time. If you're great, and no one understands you then you have no one to share all of your joy with anyway, so what's the point? Just find someone to love you. Love is what makes life worth living.
"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." -The Notebook
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's been awhile...
but here I am! Dutifully blogging. =) I hate when I wait so long to blog that I have so many thoughts to jot down that I don't even know where to start.
Do you ever feel like you connect to something so deeply that it reaches inside your very soul and pulls out a piece of you? I went to a Jack Johnson concert on July 11 with Adam and that is exactly how I felt. I honestly have never experienced so much joy in one place, at one time, in my whole entire life. I couldn't sit still and the emotions and music hit me in waves. It was probably 95 degrees, but still goosebumps developed all over my body. The lyrics of his songs are so dear to my heart. He ended with the song, "Better Together," and boy, did it hit me hard. I just stood there with Adam's arms around me and in that moment I could have lived forever. It was an unbelievable feeling. I was so euphoric. After the concert we went back to Kevin's beach house in Stone Harbor and the night just got better. Adam and I got so much closer on that trip. When we woke up the next morning we had slept in two twin beds in the same room and we woke up facing each other and started talking right away. You know when you have those sleepovers when you're younger that when you wake up you just start talking and giggling? That's exactly how it was. I feel like he's become my best friend and my boyfriend and it's kind of terrifying.
I've just been thinking tonight, while I was reading, Eat, Pray, Love, I wish we weren't so young. We both have so much life to live, but sometimes I feel like I have put myself out there too much. How well do I even know myself? Am I allowing him to shape me too much? If we ever break up am I even going to know who I am? A couple nights ago we were at Kevin's house again and we weren't in separate beds and I was lying there in his arms and I brought up the conversation, thanks to the influence of alcohol and marijuana =), that I had been keeping smashed in the back of my brain. The one conversation I didn't want to have with him. I was afraid I would scare him away. I was afraid that I was basing myself around him too much. Ever heard of the phrase, "catching your chickens before they are hatched?" Well yea, that's me. Counting my rings before they've even been imagined.
When I'm with him though, sometimes it's so hard not to think about it. I honestly do care about him so deeply it's impossible to not see a life with him. So I brought it up, casually. I remember stroking his chest and telling him to please not be freaked out by what I was about to say. Immediately I sensed that he didn't really want to me to say it, so I stopped and I asked him if he didn't want me to tell him I wouldn't. It was funny because what he said next was exactly true. He reminded me that I always say things that I regret when I'm drunk or high and with him, so he just wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret it. I had been thinking about it for so long though that I had to tell him, so I did. I said I really don't want to freak you out and I'm sure that if it doesn't work out this way we will both go on to live perfectly happy, fulfilled lives, but I can't help but picturing our life together. When I was sitting on the beach that day with Maddie while Kevin and Adam surfed she said to me, "ya know, this could still be us in ten years. I can just see it now." For a second, I rejected the thought, but then I realized yea, this could still be us in ten years. I told Adam what Maddie had said and I told him that I am not planning my life around him, but I could picture myself with him in the future. There is something so secure about being with him that I just can't resist. I thought for sure he wasn't going to say anything back to me and that I was going to be terribly sad, but he actually did say that he had been thinking the same thing. He said he's been thinking about how many of his parent's friends have been together since high school. It can happen.
I guess we have to make it through the next couple years first though. I'm leaving in sixteen days. He is going to be gone fi or seven of those sixteen. The night I have to say goodbye to him is going to be the saddest night of my life so far probably. I just teared up even thinking about it. Why can't the good things in life just stay with us? Always. I know that people say that the ones we love will always be in our hearts, but I don't just want him in my heart. I want him in my view. I want him in my arms. I want him in my bed. I want his voice in my ear. I want his touch on my skin. I want his smell in my nose. I want all of him. Always. How can I be at school and still have all of those things?
I can't. That's the simple answer. I really can't. We had a really good conversation about me leaving when we were on the beach the other night. I guess what people say is true. If we both want this relationship badly enough then it will work. If it doesn't, it was a beautiful, beautiful relationship. I want it to work though. I want it to work so, so badly.
On a completely different note, I think I want to try acid. Adam was reading me this book of his where it's basically all about acid. It's called the Kool Aid Acid Test. I guess it's all about Jerry Garcia and his travels and adventures with the drug. Anyway, after reading that I definitely want to try it. I want to experience that type of closeness with another individual and with the world around me. I feel like I would love it.
Sometimes I scare myself with how much I enjoy things. I love drinking. I love smoking, and after I try acid, I'll most likely love tripping. Where do I draw the line? How much am I willing to try? And why am I trying it? Am I looking for something? If so, what? Am I bored? Am I looking for a thrill? I can't put my finger on it. It's just something that I feel compelled to do. I feel like my experiences with music will just be so much more real and almost palpable if I do it. I want to so badly. Speaking of music experiences, I didn't even fill you in on the Newport Folk Festival!
Two weekends ago Natalie and I just randomly decided to go to the Newport Folk Festival. A bunch of really great musicians were playing and Natalie had been thinking about going for awhile, but she thought that the tickets would be super expensive. Turns out the tickets were only $125, and then we were on our way! It was quite an adventure. Ha.
It was a two day musical experience and boy was it memorable. I seriously listened to some of the most amazing music I have ever heard. It made me think of Dan so much. I met so many people that were just so nice and I seriously felt like I could have stayed there forever. Just laying out in the sun with good friends around me and the music sinking in through every pore on my body, what more can a girl ask for? Well, I might have asked for a bed. Haha.
The first night we stayed in a hotel, just because we got up there so late. We had planned on camping, but turns out all the campsites had been booked two months in advance! Guess next year we need to plan better... So a couple people asked us to stay with them on Saturday, but Natalie didn't want to stay with any of them, so we ended up staying in the car. Natalie is quite accustomed to this mode of living, I however, am I more fragile individual. I thought I could handle it, but turns out, I am not cut out for sleeping in unusual positions in creepy parking lots. I read by the light of a Barnes and Noble sign until three a.m. and then I tossed and turned for the next few hours until daylight thinking that every car was a police officer saying we couldn't stay there. It was not a restful night, to say the least. I am so happy that we stayed though, because Sunday was probably one of the most enriching experiences of my life!
We got to listen to the Felice Brothers and oh my god they were amazing. I barely even knew their music at the time, but I stood there and danced and sang and let the music wash over me. That was another one of those moments where I got goosebumps. Some things have just been hitting my so closely lately, it's almost weird. I closed my eyes and just let my body move with the music. I didn't care who watched or heard, because in my mind they weren't even there. It was just me and the music and my body swaying back and back with the lyrics resonating softly in my mind. It was bliss; pure and utter bliss. We encored them like three times and then George Wein, who is the guy who runs the whole festival and is the cutest old man alive, just allotted them more time because we were all so into it. The only thing that sucked about the experience was that the security guards were complete dicks. They were so strict and whenever anyone got really into the music and was doing stuff in the aisles they basically told them they couldn't do that. How can you tell someone they can't feel the music? You can't. I'm so happy none of them said anything to me. I don't know what I would have done. I was in a completely different state of mind, but I was seriously loving it.
Then after the Felice Brothers this other band that Natalie and I had never heard of called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. As they set up on stage the smell of weed just crept into the tent. They are a huge hippie band, and they are amazing. Like I said, we didn't know any of the music, but I have never felt so emotionally attached to anything in my life. They are a really eclectic group of individuals. The lead singer's name is Alexander and apparently he was dating this girl that is also in the band, Jade. But sadly, they broke up and this guy that was sitting in front of us told us all about this. He said that he saw them before they broke up and it was unreal. He said sometimes you felt like you were sitting in on something so personal because of how deeply and honestly they were in love with each other. Apparently she is dating someone else in the band now, so that is kind of scandalous. You could definitely see some tension on the stage, but nothing to hinder the amazingness of the show at all. It was still incredible.
The lead singer, Alexander, honestly looks like every picture you have ever seen of Jesus. He came out dressed all in white and he has this dark brown wavy hair that is beautiful with these crystal clear blue eyes that honestly look into your soul. He actually jumped off the stage into the crowd and for a good three seconds looked into my eyes and my breath was taken away. He was almost majestic in a way. Honestly it was a crazy experience. When he is performing you can just tell that he is so into the music they are creating (and they are certainly creating it) that you can't help but be into it. You just watch him sing with every fiber of his skinny being and you can't help but dance and move with the music. God. It was amazing. Just thinking about it now I start swaying and getting into it. The whole experience was unreal.
I wish I could be true to myself. I think if I were completely true to myself I would leave everything I know and just be. Is that possible? Is it possible anywhere in this world to just be? I just want to lay in a field and watch the clouds change shape. I just want to breathe and jam and be. I want to be in New Zealand with Dan. I miss that boy so much that sometimes I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
When we were at the festival a boy came up the very front of the stage wearing Brazil flip flops, jeans, and a tie dye t-shirt. he had a Nikon camera and a huge camera bag on his hip. He was tall and skinny and literally for a second I couldn't breathe. I thought it was him. I was so compelled to just run up and grab him and never let him go away to another country again. I miss him so much. I want to hear his ideas now. So much has changed since the last time I talked to him or heard his voice. So many of my ideas are different and I just feel like I would relate to him so well now. Who cares if he's a hippie? Honestly I think he is doing something that all of us just wish we had the guts to do. Fuck society. Fuck college. I need to find me. I need to be me. How can I ever do that if deep down I know the things I do are only pleasing those around me? I'm too scared to do anything about it. I always have these doubts. I don't have the money. I'm a girl, it's dangerous. When am I going to stop fooling myself? No matter how many excuses I make, the bottom line is that I just don't have the guts to do it. What if I'm scared of who I would become if I did let myself do just that? Be me. Where would I be? Who would I be? In Sociology we learned about how every decision we make, or think we made, society really made for us. The dress I'm wearing right now, society chose. The boyfriend I have right now, society chose. The computer I'm on right now, society chose. Why can't I choose? How do I learn to choose? I don't want to be someone's puppet! I want to look in a reflection and know that what I'm seeing is me and the real me that I'm allowing myself to be. I just messaged Dan on facebook. I couldn't help it. I also can't help but feel like that boy is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Do you ever feel like you connect to something so deeply that it reaches inside your very soul and pulls out a piece of you? I went to a Jack Johnson concert on July 11 with Adam and that is exactly how I felt. I honestly have never experienced so much joy in one place, at one time, in my whole entire life. I couldn't sit still and the emotions and music hit me in waves. It was probably 95 degrees, but still goosebumps developed all over my body. The lyrics of his songs are so dear to my heart. He ended with the song, "Better Together," and boy, did it hit me hard. I just stood there with Adam's arms around me and in that moment I could have lived forever. It was an unbelievable feeling. I was so euphoric. After the concert we went back to Kevin's beach house in Stone Harbor and the night just got better. Adam and I got so much closer on that trip. When we woke up the next morning we had slept in two twin beds in the same room and we woke up facing each other and started talking right away. You know when you have those sleepovers when you're younger that when you wake up you just start talking and giggling? That's exactly how it was. I feel like he's become my best friend and my boyfriend and it's kind of terrifying.
I've just been thinking tonight, while I was reading, Eat, Pray, Love, I wish we weren't so young. We both have so much life to live, but sometimes I feel like I have put myself out there too much. How well do I even know myself? Am I allowing him to shape me too much? If we ever break up am I even going to know who I am? A couple nights ago we were at Kevin's house again and we weren't in separate beds and I was lying there in his arms and I brought up the conversation, thanks to the influence of alcohol and marijuana =), that I had been keeping smashed in the back of my brain. The one conversation I didn't want to have with him. I was afraid I would scare him away. I was afraid that I was basing myself around him too much. Ever heard of the phrase, "catching your chickens before they are hatched?" Well yea, that's me. Counting my rings before they've even been imagined.
When I'm with him though, sometimes it's so hard not to think about it. I honestly do care about him so deeply it's impossible to not see a life with him. So I brought it up, casually. I remember stroking his chest and telling him to please not be freaked out by what I was about to say. Immediately I sensed that he didn't really want to me to say it, so I stopped and I asked him if he didn't want me to tell him I wouldn't. It was funny because what he said next was exactly true. He reminded me that I always say things that I regret when I'm drunk or high and with him, so he just wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret it. I had been thinking about it for so long though that I had to tell him, so I did. I said I really don't want to freak you out and I'm sure that if it doesn't work out this way we will both go on to live perfectly happy, fulfilled lives, but I can't help but picturing our life together. When I was sitting on the beach that day with Maddie while Kevin and Adam surfed she said to me, "ya know, this could still be us in ten years. I can just see it now." For a second, I rejected the thought, but then I realized yea, this could still be us in ten years. I told Adam what Maddie had said and I told him that I am not planning my life around him, but I could picture myself with him in the future. There is something so secure about being with him that I just can't resist. I thought for sure he wasn't going to say anything back to me and that I was going to be terribly sad, but he actually did say that he had been thinking the same thing. He said he's been thinking about how many of his parent's friends have been together since high school. It can happen.
I guess we have to make it through the next couple years first though. I'm leaving in sixteen days. He is going to be gone fi or seven of those sixteen. The night I have to say goodbye to him is going to be the saddest night of my life so far probably. I just teared up even thinking about it. Why can't the good things in life just stay with us? Always. I know that people say that the ones we love will always be in our hearts, but I don't just want him in my heart. I want him in my view. I want him in my arms. I want him in my bed. I want his voice in my ear. I want his touch on my skin. I want his smell in my nose. I want all of him. Always. How can I be at school and still have all of those things?
I can't. That's the simple answer. I really can't. We had a really good conversation about me leaving when we were on the beach the other night. I guess what people say is true. If we both want this relationship badly enough then it will work. If it doesn't, it was a beautiful, beautiful relationship. I want it to work though. I want it to work so, so badly.
On a completely different note, I think I want to try acid. Adam was reading me this book of his where it's basically all about acid. It's called the Kool Aid Acid Test. I guess it's all about Jerry Garcia and his travels and adventures with the drug. Anyway, after reading that I definitely want to try it. I want to experience that type of closeness with another individual and with the world around me. I feel like I would love it.
Sometimes I scare myself with how much I enjoy things. I love drinking. I love smoking, and after I try acid, I'll most likely love tripping. Where do I draw the line? How much am I willing to try? And why am I trying it? Am I looking for something? If so, what? Am I bored? Am I looking for a thrill? I can't put my finger on it. It's just something that I feel compelled to do. I feel like my experiences with music will just be so much more real and almost palpable if I do it. I want to so badly. Speaking of music experiences, I didn't even fill you in on the Newport Folk Festival!
Two weekends ago Natalie and I just randomly decided to go to the Newport Folk Festival. A bunch of really great musicians were playing and Natalie had been thinking about going for awhile, but she thought that the tickets would be super expensive. Turns out the tickets were only $125, and then we were on our way! It was quite an adventure. Ha.
It was a two day musical experience and boy was it memorable. I seriously listened to some of the most amazing music I have ever heard. It made me think of Dan so much. I met so many people that were just so nice and I seriously felt like I could have stayed there forever. Just laying out in the sun with good friends around me and the music sinking in through every pore on my body, what more can a girl ask for? Well, I might have asked for a bed. Haha.
The first night we stayed in a hotel, just because we got up there so late. We had planned on camping, but turns out all the campsites had been booked two months in advance! Guess next year we need to plan better... So a couple people asked us to stay with them on Saturday, but Natalie didn't want to stay with any of them, so we ended up staying in the car. Natalie is quite accustomed to this mode of living, I however, am I more fragile individual. I thought I could handle it, but turns out, I am not cut out for sleeping in unusual positions in creepy parking lots. I read by the light of a Barnes and Noble sign until three a.m. and then I tossed and turned for the next few hours until daylight thinking that every car was a police officer saying we couldn't stay there. It was not a restful night, to say the least. I am so happy that we stayed though, because Sunday was probably one of the most enriching experiences of my life!
We got to listen to the Felice Brothers and oh my god they were amazing. I barely even knew their music at the time, but I stood there and danced and sang and let the music wash over me. That was another one of those moments where I got goosebumps. Some things have just been hitting my so closely lately, it's almost weird. I closed my eyes and just let my body move with the music. I didn't care who watched or heard, because in my mind they weren't even there. It was just me and the music and my body swaying back and back with the lyrics resonating softly in my mind. It was bliss; pure and utter bliss. We encored them like three times and then George Wein, who is the guy who runs the whole festival and is the cutest old man alive, just allotted them more time because we were all so into it. The only thing that sucked about the experience was that the security guards were complete dicks. They were so strict and whenever anyone got really into the music and was doing stuff in the aisles they basically told them they couldn't do that. How can you tell someone they can't feel the music? You can't. I'm so happy none of them said anything to me. I don't know what I would have done. I was in a completely different state of mind, but I was seriously loving it.
Then after the Felice Brothers this other band that Natalie and I had never heard of called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. As they set up on stage the smell of weed just crept into the tent. They are a huge hippie band, and they are amazing. Like I said, we didn't know any of the music, but I have never felt so emotionally attached to anything in my life. They are a really eclectic group of individuals. The lead singer's name is Alexander and apparently he was dating this girl that is also in the band, Jade. But sadly, they broke up and this guy that was sitting in front of us told us all about this. He said that he saw them before they broke up and it was unreal. He said sometimes you felt like you were sitting in on something so personal because of how deeply and honestly they were in love with each other. Apparently she is dating someone else in the band now, so that is kind of scandalous. You could definitely see some tension on the stage, but nothing to hinder the amazingness of the show at all. It was still incredible.
The lead singer, Alexander, honestly looks like every picture you have ever seen of Jesus. He came out dressed all in white and he has this dark brown wavy hair that is beautiful with these crystal clear blue eyes that honestly look into your soul. He actually jumped off the stage into the crowd and for a good three seconds looked into my eyes and my breath was taken away. He was almost majestic in a way. Honestly it was a crazy experience. When he is performing you can just tell that he is so into the music they are creating (and they are certainly creating it) that you can't help but be into it. You just watch him sing with every fiber of his skinny being and you can't help but dance and move with the music. God. It was amazing. Just thinking about it now I start swaying and getting into it. The whole experience was unreal.
I wish I could be true to myself. I think if I were completely true to myself I would leave everything I know and just be. Is that possible? Is it possible anywhere in this world to just be? I just want to lay in a field and watch the clouds change shape. I just want to breathe and jam and be. I want to be in New Zealand with Dan. I miss that boy so much that sometimes I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
When we were at the festival a boy came up the very front of the stage wearing Brazil flip flops, jeans, and a tie dye t-shirt. he had a Nikon camera and a huge camera bag on his hip. He was tall and skinny and literally for a second I couldn't breathe. I thought it was him. I was so compelled to just run up and grab him and never let him go away to another country again. I miss him so much. I want to hear his ideas now. So much has changed since the last time I talked to him or heard his voice. So many of my ideas are different and I just feel like I would relate to him so well now. Who cares if he's a hippie? Honestly I think he is doing something that all of us just wish we had the guts to do. Fuck society. Fuck college. I need to find me. I need to be me. How can I ever do that if deep down I know the things I do are only pleasing those around me? I'm too scared to do anything about it. I always have these doubts. I don't have the money. I'm a girl, it's dangerous. When am I going to stop fooling myself? No matter how many excuses I make, the bottom line is that I just don't have the guts to do it. What if I'm scared of who I would become if I did let myself do just that? Be me. Where would I be? Who would I be? In Sociology we learned about how every decision we make, or think we made, society really made for us. The dress I'm wearing right now, society chose. The boyfriend I have right now, society chose. The computer I'm on right now, society chose. Why can't I choose? How do I learn to choose? I don't want to be someone's puppet! I want to look in a reflection and know that what I'm seeing is me and the real me that I'm allowing myself to be. I just messaged Dan on facebook. I couldn't help it. I also can't help but feel like that boy is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My Complex
Maybe I over reacted a little bit yesterday. Sometimes that happens to me. I don't really wanta break up with Adam, at all. I just wish I was better at communicating my feelings to him because I know he would be receptive to what I was feeling, but I just need to find the words to help him be receptive.
Last night I was talking to Rachel about everything that has been going on lately with Adam and she asked me something that kind of made me stop. She asked me if I could marry him. The thing is, I think I really could. When I look at the lifestyle that his parents have, it is basically exactly what I want. It is pretty much exactly like my family's routine, but his parents are more financially stable. If we can just make it through the next couple years, which may be rough, I think we could actually make it work in the long run. I feel like we want the same things from life and have the same general outlook on things.
I decided recently though that I have a complex. I was raised to be very independent. I think my mom going back to school made me like this because she really wasn't around to do much for me anymore. I think I probably started cooking dinner for the family when I was about twelve and I've been doing my own thing for years now it feels like. The real root of this complex however isn't just my independent nature, it's the fact that growing up I have had to pay for basically everything. This is completely fine with me. I think that having your children pay for thing is great. I know that working my butt off and paying for my first car was probably one of the best feelings in the world. Nothing compares to knowing that you want something and being able to work to make it happen. That is exactly how dreams become reality. I think that this whole concept of working for what I want will lead me to do great things in my life, and I hope it does, but when it comes to relationships, it is such a hindrance.
I am just so unaccustomed to having people do things for me! On Monday, Adam and I had been dating for five months and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just couldn't let him. I absolutely abhor the idea of him paying for me! I know I need to get over it because he wants to do nice things for me, but I just can't get past this idea that I should be paying. I love doing things for people, so in return you would think that I would love having things done for me, but I hate it! I feel so guilty when people pay for things for me. It's just not like me at all. I wish I was able to give and take. It's so funny because for most people it's so hard to give, and I would give anything to anyone. I really would. I throw my heart into things, sometimes maybe too easily. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When a stranger suffers, I feel it. I feel like it's so different from anybody else's problem. For most people, especially girls, the taking part is so easy, but for me it's just not. I'm just so used to giving. It's all I know. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint or anything, and I'm ALWAYS willing to accept a good present, but other things are just different. I don't know quite how to explain it.
I didn't believe for the longest time, but now maybe I do kinda understand what people mean when they say that everyone has problems. Everyone thinks that I have a perfect life, and I really do have many blessings to be thankful for. But when people look at my life, I wish they could see how much of it I worked for. My parents didn't get me these grades. My parents didn't get me this body. My parents didn't get me this personality. I feel like people always think that I live this life that was just perfectly molded for me and it isn't that way at all. I know that millions of people endure hardships everyday that I can't even imagine, but I do think that everyone has their own hardships; although of varying difficulty, they all play a huge role in shaping who we are as individuals and who we may become.
It's interesting how when you're going through something you never really realize the impact that it will have on the rest of your life. I really feel like my mom going back to school changed my life completely. At the time, I didn't really think that much about it, but it really has made me who I am. I guess in a way though that's a good thing, because when I look at the life that I'm enjoying immensely, I realize that I couldn't ask for anything more. What more can anyone ask for? I've got a family that loves me, I live in a beautiful place, I have marvelous friends, I have a great boyfriend, I have a future, and I have hope. I think if you have hope within yourself, then there is nothing you can ever fear about the future.
Last night I was talking to Rachel about everything that has been going on lately with Adam and she asked me something that kind of made me stop. She asked me if I could marry him. The thing is, I think I really could. When I look at the lifestyle that his parents have, it is basically exactly what I want. It is pretty much exactly like my family's routine, but his parents are more financially stable. If we can just make it through the next couple years, which may be rough, I think we could actually make it work in the long run. I feel like we want the same things from life and have the same general outlook on things.
I decided recently though that I have a complex. I was raised to be very independent. I think my mom going back to school made me like this because she really wasn't around to do much for me anymore. I think I probably started cooking dinner for the family when I was about twelve and I've been doing my own thing for years now it feels like. The real root of this complex however isn't just my independent nature, it's the fact that growing up I have had to pay for basically everything. This is completely fine with me. I think that having your children pay for thing is great. I know that working my butt off and paying for my first car was probably one of the best feelings in the world. Nothing compares to knowing that you want something and being able to work to make it happen. That is exactly how dreams become reality. I think that this whole concept of working for what I want will lead me to do great things in my life, and I hope it does, but when it comes to relationships, it is such a hindrance.
I am just so unaccustomed to having people do things for me! On Monday, Adam and I had been dating for five months and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just couldn't let him. I absolutely abhor the idea of him paying for me! I know I need to get over it because he wants to do nice things for me, but I just can't get past this idea that I should be paying. I love doing things for people, so in return you would think that I would love having things done for me, but I hate it! I feel so guilty when people pay for things for me. It's just not like me at all. I wish I was able to give and take. It's so funny because for most people it's so hard to give, and I would give anything to anyone. I really would. I throw my heart into things, sometimes maybe too easily. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When a stranger suffers, I feel it. I feel like it's so different from anybody else's problem. For most people, especially girls, the taking part is so easy, but for me it's just not. I'm just so used to giving. It's all I know. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint or anything, and I'm ALWAYS willing to accept a good present, but other things are just different. I don't know quite how to explain it.
I didn't believe for the longest time, but now maybe I do kinda understand what people mean when they say that everyone has problems. Everyone thinks that I have a perfect life, and I really do have many blessings to be thankful for. But when people look at my life, I wish they could see how much of it I worked for. My parents didn't get me these grades. My parents didn't get me this body. My parents didn't get me this personality. I feel like people always think that I live this life that was just perfectly molded for me and it isn't that way at all. I know that millions of people endure hardships everyday that I can't even imagine, but I do think that everyone has their own hardships; although of varying difficulty, they all play a huge role in shaping who we are as individuals and who we may become.
It's interesting how when you're going through something you never really realize the impact that it will have on the rest of your life. I really feel like my mom going back to school changed my life completely. At the time, I didn't really think that much about it, but it really has made me who I am. I guess in a way though that's a good thing, because when I look at the life that I'm enjoying immensely, I realize that I couldn't ask for anything more. What more can anyone ask for? I've got a family that loves me, I live in a beautiful place, I have marvelous friends, I have a great boyfriend, I have a future, and I have hope. I think if you have hope within yourself, then there is nothing you can ever fear about the future.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I am thinking about breaking up with Adam. Several things about him have been bothering me a lot lately. First of all, his inability to make plans and stick to them. Secondly, I can't stand how he only works one day a week and gets money from his parents all the time and he uses their money to support his drug habit! Get a job and pay for your own fucking drugs! And he wants to have sex with me so damn bad and I don't want to have sex with him! I'm not ready. We're probably going to break up in a couple months anyway because he will stay at home this year and smoke pot with all his friends while I'm at school. Good shit. I'm just so fed up with all of his antics. When I'm with him though, it's so easy to just forget about it all and focus on all the good things. I do love Adam a lot, but I don't know how much of him I can take. I just keep on thinking he is such a kid.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Knowing when to say goodbye...
So it turns out I did like Adam. Since my last post we've been dating for about five months now, and happily I might add. He still makes me feel amazing and I still enjoy every second I spend with him. Lately though, it's been a more tense understanding. I think a lot of the new doubts in my head are just results of the fact that I'm leaving. It's a plain and simple fact. I'm leaving. Adam is staying here. So why, if it is such a simple concept, is it so damn difficult to wrap my little brain around it?
I always was kind of scared to get into committed relationships because a fear of vulnerability runs deep in my veins. It is frightening when you know that you care about someone so much that with just a word or a look from them you could be devastated. How is it fair? That people can have this much control over us. In one of Ingrid Michaelson's songs she says, "And we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." She has it just about right. No matter what we're doing in life we are all human. We all have the ability to love passionately and care deeply about another human being. And this is supposed to be a gift, right? Then why is it so overwhelmingly frightening?
I can't help thinking that this whole relationship is just coming to a crashing end. It's too good to be true. I don't deserve this. Something is going to happen to screw everything up. Why can't I just accept that this may actually be a solid relationship? I am starting to have all these doubts about us. Every time he decides to spend time with his friends I almost feel jealous because he chose them over me. It's not quite jealousy though. And it's not hurt. I don't know what it is, but it's annoying. I am scared that I am turning into one of those girlfriends that I hate. I can barely help it though! I just keep thinking that I'm going to be leaving and he is barely ever going to be able to see me and he wants to spend time with his friends? The last like four nights I've been annoyed at him for something or other. I really am not normally like this at all, so what's changed? What's happening to me? Am I turning into a possessive girlfriend that worries too much? And if I am, how do I stop it?! That is not what I want to be at all.
All of this is just so exhausting. I'm thinking about breaking up with him just to spare myself the drama and worry of it all. I don't think I am built to handle all of these emotions. I'm not one of those girls that enjoys it at all. So if things aren't good I start getting antsy, immediately. Do I want this? How much is it worth to me? And the thing is is that I care about Adam more than anyone, but I just keep on wondering when it starts getting hard when I get to school if we're going to be able to make it? Is it worth me putting in all this time, energy, and downright raw emotion when it'll all be over in a few months?
On a completely different side of my brain, I can't help feeling horribly alone these days. All of my friends are quickly becoming engulfed in the party scene or their boyfriends or just something. I always thought that there are different types of relationships. There are relationships where you help the other person, relationships where the other person helps you, and relationships that are mutually beneficial. Lately I feel like the only relationships I have are when I'm helping the other person. People come to me with their problems all the time, but ironically I feel isolated. I feel like I can't reach out to anyone to talk about these things because everyone things I'm the girl that has it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out! I just keep screaming in my head that I don't want to be alone and I desperately want to talk to someone about everything that I'm feeling, but I can't! I swear I'm like incapable of vocalizing my problems, I just internalize the shit out of them until eventually I forget that they are there. I know this isn't good and I know I need to work on it, but how? How do I vocalize my problems to someone that isn't even there? I know there are people that I could talk to about these things, but the trouble is that like I said everyone has this idea of me and so I really don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about any of it. With time I hope I will be able to grow up and handle things in a more positive way, but will I? If I'm not training myself now to handle things properly I think the problem will only get worse.
I always was kind of scared to get into committed relationships because a fear of vulnerability runs deep in my veins. It is frightening when you know that you care about someone so much that with just a word or a look from them you could be devastated. How is it fair? That people can have this much control over us. In one of Ingrid Michaelson's songs she says, "And we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." She has it just about right. No matter what we're doing in life we are all human. We all have the ability to love passionately and care deeply about another human being. And this is supposed to be a gift, right? Then why is it so overwhelmingly frightening?
I can't help thinking that this whole relationship is just coming to a crashing end. It's too good to be true. I don't deserve this. Something is going to happen to screw everything up. Why can't I just accept that this may actually be a solid relationship? I am starting to have all these doubts about us. Every time he decides to spend time with his friends I almost feel jealous because he chose them over me. It's not quite jealousy though. And it's not hurt. I don't know what it is, but it's annoying. I am scared that I am turning into one of those girlfriends that I hate. I can barely help it though! I just keep thinking that I'm going to be leaving and he is barely ever going to be able to see me and he wants to spend time with his friends? The last like four nights I've been annoyed at him for something or other. I really am not normally like this at all, so what's changed? What's happening to me? Am I turning into a possessive girlfriend that worries too much? And if I am, how do I stop it?! That is not what I want to be at all.
All of this is just so exhausting. I'm thinking about breaking up with him just to spare myself the drama and worry of it all. I don't think I am built to handle all of these emotions. I'm not one of those girls that enjoys it at all. So if things aren't good I start getting antsy, immediately. Do I want this? How much is it worth to me? And the thing is is that I care about Adam more than anyone, but I just keep on wondering when it starts getting hard when I get to school if we're going to be able to make it? Is it worth me putting in all this time, energy, and downright raw emotion when it'll all be over in a few months?
On a completely different side of my brain, I can't help feeling horribly alone these days. All of my friends are quickly becoming engulfed in the party scene or their boyfriends or just something. I always thought that there are different types of relationships. There are relationships where you help the other person, relationships where the other person helps you, and relationships that are mutually beneficial. Lately I feel like the only relationships I have are when I'm helping the other person. People come to me with their problems all the time, but ironically I feel isolated. I feel like I can't reach out to anyone to talk about these things because everyone things I'm the girl that has it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out! I just keep screaming in my head that I don't want to be alone and I desperately want to talk to someone about everything that I'm feeling, but I can't! I swear I'm like incapable of vocalizing my problems, I just internalize the shit out of them until eventually I forget that they are there. I know this isn't good and I know I need to work on it, but how? How do I vocalize my problems to someone that isn't even there? I know there are people that I could talk to about these things, but the trouble is that like I said everyone has this idea of me and so I really don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about any of it. With time I hope I will be able to grow up and handle things in a more positive way, but will I? If I'm not training myself now to handle things properly I think the problem will only get worse.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Random Rant About Education
Education can be such a rewarding thing, if taught correctly. This year has definitely been the worst school year of my life thus far. I cannot stand my teachers and the classes are so inapplicable it’s infuriating! I sit through these excruciatingly painful classes without feeling stimulated or intrigued or anything for that matter. There are a couple arguments that I am particularly struggling with.
1) Teachers teach us absolute shit that will never apply to anything, but they try to convince us regularly that we’ll be able to apply in everyday life! E.g. in trig today we learned about sin curves. What the fuck our sin curves you might be wondering? Well that’s exactly my question. I’ve never heard any adult in my life, before Mr. Harman said it today, mention having to use the sin curve to solve any real life problems. If you want to teach me about numbers Mr. Harman tell me something that I can get worked up about! Tell me how exactly taxes are applied to everyday citizens. Tell me how we’re getting the money to fund this $700 billion dollar relief bill that quite frankly won’t do shit! Teach me something that I care about!
2) I’m so incredibly fed up with teachers talking about how we’ll need it to get into college and how the SAT’s are so important. Says who? Who puts so much pressure on these tests that are supposed to measure our brains? Our whole educational system is based on comparing you to the kids around you. Well guess what? I’m sick of it. Stop comparing me! Stop telling me to live up to the standards that everyone else has set! I’m sick of these barriers being set. After high school, you go to college. After college, you get a job in the real world. Well what’s so real about it? I just can’t help feeling so insignificant and menial in this huge agenda. If the educational system was more personalized I think we could see a lot greater talent coming out of our schools and our youth.
3) High school is seriously the worst idea ever. Who came up with this idea to cram 1,000 kids in a fluorescent container for seven hours a day? That’s not a learning environment! I can’t stand it! I sit in these horribly dirty chairs sharing who knows how many types of bacteria with the person who sat there before me. Then I sit. Then I listen, listen, listen all day long. I’m sick of listening. Open up a discussion every once and awhile! Loosen up the reins on your class! We need to develop our own ideas and our own opinions and not just have your ideas shoved down our throats. Mrs. Boor is one of those teachers that thinks she is so revolutionary and open minded and developing a better tomorrow for education when really she is just like every other shitty teacher in this school. She doesn’t give a shit about what you have to say.
1) Teachers teach us absolute shit that will never apply to anything, but they try to convince us regularly that we’ll be able to apply in everyday life! E.g. in trig today we learned about sin curves. What the fuck our sin curves you might be wondering? Well that’s exactly my question. I’ve never heard any adult in my life, before Mr. Harman said it today, mention having to use the sin curve to solve any real life problems. If you want to teach me about numbers Mr. Harman tell me something that I can get worked up about! Tell me how exactly taxes are applied to everyday citizens. Tell me how we’re getting the money to fund this $700 billion dollar relief bill that quite frankly won’t do shit! Teach me something that I care about!
2) I’m so incredibly fed up with teachers talking about how we’ll need it to get into college and how the SAT’s are so important. Says who? Who puts so much pressure on these tests that are supposed to measure our brains? Our whole educational system is based on comparing you to the kids around you. Well guess what? I’m sick of it. Stop comparing me! Stop telling me to live up to the standards that everyone else has set! I’m sick of these barriers being set. After high school, you go to college. After college, you get a job in the real world. Well what’s so real about it? I just can’t help feeling so insignificant and menial in this huge agenda. If the educational system was more personalized I think we could see a lot greater talent coming out of our schools and our youth.
3) High school is seriously the worst idea ever. Who came up with this idea to cram 1,000 kids in a fluorescent container for seven hours a day? That’s not a learning environment! I can’t stand it! I sit in these horribly dirty chairs sharing who knows how many types of bacteria with the person who sat there before me. Then I sit. Then I listen, listen, listen all day long. I’m sick of listening. Open up a discussion every once and awhile! Loosen up the reins on your class! We need to develop our own ideas and our own opinions and not just have your ideas shoved down our throats. Mrs. Boor is one of those teachers that thinks she is so revolutionary and open minded and developing a better tomorrow for education when really she is just like every other shitty teacher in this school. She doesn’t give a shit about what you have to say.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you may become..."
I had dinner with Emily last night. Our friendship is one of those that is timeless. No matter how long we go without talking, I know we can pick back up and every time it will just be the same. We understand each other so well, it just works. I definitely couldn't tell her everything that had been going on with me lately, but I still feel like she understands me.
My parents are starting on April 16. Natalie is moving out at the end of March. I am done with high school on June 10th. I start college in August. Jessica is moving to San Francisco in September. All my life is changing. I kind of hand a panic attack for the first time in my life the other day. Where am I heading? How do I plan on getting there? Who am I?
These questions are inevitable I guess as you grow up. Nothing can replace the memories you have and the moments you seize, but I just don't want to reach a point in my life where I look around and realize that nothing that I have is what I wanted?
So, what do I want?
I want memories. I want laughs. I want love. I want experiences. I want wisdom. I want conversations so good that you get goosebumps. I want something real. I don't want the monotony that Henri Lefebvre describes in Criticism of Life. I want to feel like I'm worth something, to someone. I just always want to feel alive. I never want to dull my feelings. I want to experience things to the full extent. Euphoric joy.
So, where am I heading?
Shortly, I'll be heading to college. I'm not completely sure if that is what I want. I feel like there is a lot of pressure for me to go, because I've always been the diligent pupil that works hard in school, but who puts the value on school? Society. Do I really care? I just imagine Dan backpacking around New Zealand and I get so jealous I feel like I could throw up. I just want to do something real.
If I do go to college though, I feel like I could work hard during the year and save money and still have amazing trips during the summer. If I plan and save accordingly hopefully I will always be able to go places and see things and be experiencing new things.
So, who am I?
I am a girl, I'm definitely not a woman yet. I am a student. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a runner. I am a guitar player. I am a cook. I am a reader. I am me, but most of all, I am a friend. I truly do believe 100% that relationships are where the meaning of life can be found. No matter how many degrees you have, no matter how many cars you have, no matter how many trips you have gone on, and no matter how many fabulous sunsets you've seen, if you can't share these memories with people, then what are they really worth? Keeping it all to yourself. Working so hard for a goal that society deems as pivotal. For what? So that you can be a status symbol? I'll take my friendships any day over that.
My parents are starting on April 16. Natalie is moving out at the end of March. I am done with high school on June 10th. I start college in August. Jessica is moving to San Francisco in September. All my life is changing. I kind of hand a panic attack for the first time in my life the other day. Where am I heading? How do I plan on getting there? Who am I?
These questions are inevitable I guess as you grow up. Nothing can replace the memories you have and the moments you seize, but I just don't want to reach a point in my life where I look around and realize that nothing that I have is what I wanted?
So, what do I want?
I want memories. I want laughs. I want love. I want experiences. I want wisdom. I want conversations so good that you get goosebumps. I want something real. I don't want the monotony that Henri Lefebvre describes in Criticism of Life. I want to feel like I'm worth something, to someone. I just always want to feel alive. I never want to dull my feelings. I want to experience things to the full extent. Euphoric joy.
So, where am I heading?
Shortly, I'll be heading to college. I'm not completely sure if that is what I want. I feel like there is a lot of pressure for me to go, because I've always been the diligent pupil that works hard in school, but who puts the value on school? Society. Do I really care? I just imagine Dan backpacking around New Zealand and I get so jealous I feel like I could throw up. I just want to do something real.
If I do go to college though, I feel like I could work hard during the year and save money and still have amazing trips during the summer. If I plan and save accordingly hopefully I will always be able to go places and see things and be experiencing new things.
So, who am I?
I am a girl, I'm definitely not a woman yet. I am a student. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a runner. I am a guitar player. I am a cook. I am a reader. I am me, but most of all, I am a friend. I truly do believe 100% that relationships are where the meaning of life can be found. No matter how many degrees you have, no matter how many cars you have, no matter how many trips you have gone on, and no matter how many fabulous sunsets you've seen, if you can't share these memories with people, then what are they really worth? Keeping it all to yourself. Working so hard for a goal that society deems as pivotal. For what? So that you can be a status symbol? I'll take my friendships any day over that.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Decisions that make my brain hurt...
Since I was born, I have always been told that I deserve a guy that will do anything for me. A guy that will treat me like a princess. A guy that will respect me. A guy that will want me. A guy that is perfect, basically. For the longest time, I thought I wanted this to, but suddenly, now that I'm faced with the opportunity of being with a guy that is all of these things, I can't seem to make up my mind.
His name is Adam Engel. At Maddi's party a couple weeks ago, we made out. I am/was talking to one of his best friends, Corey Elmer. Well, after Maddi's Adam has texted me basically nonstop. We went to the dance together this past weekend and I honestly had more fun with him than I have ever had with any date. He is so funny and probably one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. He opened all the doors and told me how beautiful I looked and was so proud to be walking next to me and seriously just made me feel like a princess. I don't like him.
I tried so hard to convince myself I did, just because he is so sweet I want to, but I just can't. So tonight I told him that I don't think that I could ever see him as more than a friend because he smokes a lot of pot and I really can't handle that. He proceeds to say that he would quit smoking in a minute for me and basically tells me that if he had me he wouldn't need to do that stuff anymore. He likes me so much.
Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? I really wish I could like him. I hate hurting people! Why when people care about others can't they just both care about each other?! This one sided crap is killing us all. It's making us bitter, but the thing is is that someday I really do believe that Adam will find a girl who loves everything about him. I told him that I don't care what he does if we're just friends, but there are just some things I'm not willing to accept and I'm also not willing to ask him to change.
Is it weird I won't just ask him to change? I feel like being with Adam and not having him smoke would be like me being with a completely different person. =(
I got on facebook tonight and honestly like 10 out of 15 people's Facebook statuses are always something like, "hates haters," "hates bitches," "people should stop talking shit," "hates sluts," and all this other stuff. How the fuck can they say that when they are the people that turn around and just talk so much shit on others anyway? People are so fucking hypocritical. I can't handle it. Honestly. Then the other 5 Facebook statuses are like sentimental lyrics that say lame ass things like, "is doing this for me," "is not getting into drama anymore," and stuff that we all know will just never happen. Let's be honest with ourselves. Talking shit is what we do best. We're humans. We basically all have a little manipulative bitch in us, in some people, however, it's just more prominent.
I just am so sick of society right now. In sociology we are learning about how basically every decision we make, we're not making. Society is making it for us. It's the absolute truth. Who we date, where we go to school, what clothes we wear, and even what type of food we eat is all dictated by what others around us are doing. Stop and think about that for a second. The people that we read about in our history books and admire as the pioneers of new social ideas or inventors of a life-changing thing are the people that dared to go beyond their sociological boundaries. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't fight for African American rights because society was looking for it. The majority of society wasn't even ready for that type of leader, but he did it because he truly believed in equality and the power of a cohesive people.
We stand here so divided. We are divided by words, by lies, and even by some truths, but we're all people. We all breathe the same air and share the same sky. Let it be. Let that rumor you just heard be. Let the thought you just had stay in your mind. Let the negative comments be. Let the sarcasm be. Let the cruelty be. Let the arrogance be. We're all people, and well just need to let it be.
His name is Adam Engel. At Maddi's party a couple weeks ago, we made out. I am/was talking to one of his best friends, Corey Elmer. Well, after Maddi's Adam has texted me basically nonstop. We went to the dance together this past weekend and I honestly had more fun with him than I have ever had with any date. He is so funny and probably one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. He opened all the doors and told me how beautiful I looked and was so proud to be walking next to me and seriously just made me feel like a princess. I don't like him.
I tried so hard to convince myself I did, just because he is so sweet I want to, but I just can't. So tonight I told him that I don't think that I could ever see him as more than a friend because he smokes a lot of pot and I really can't handle that. He proceeds to say that he would quit smoking in a minute for me and basically tells me that if he had me he wouldn't need to do that stuff anymore. He likes me so much.
Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? I really wish I could like him. I hate hurting people! Why when people care about others can't they just both care about each other?! This one sided crap is killing us all. It's making us bitter, but the thing is is that someday I really do believe that Adam will find a girl who loves everything about him. I told him that I don't care what he does if we're just friends, but there are just some things I'm not willing to accept and I'm also not willing to ask him to change.
Is it weird I won't just ask him to change? I feel like being with Adam and not having him smoke would be like me being with a completely different person. =(
I got on facebook tonight and honestly like 10 out of 15 people's Facebook statuses are always something like, "hates haters," "hates bitches," "people should stop talking shit," "hates sluts," and all this other stuff. How the fuck can they say that when they are the people that turn around and just talk so much shit on others anyway? People are so fucking hypocritical. I can't handle it. Honestly. Then the other 5 Facebook statuses are like sentimental lyrics that say lame ass things like, "is doing this for me," "is not getting into drama anymore," and stuff that we all know will just never happen. Let's be honest with ourselves. Talking shit is what we do best. We're humans. We basically all have a little manipulative bitch in us, in some people, however, it's just more prominent.
I just am so sick of society right now. In sociology we are learning about how basically every decision we make, we're not making. Society is making it for us. It's the absolute truth. Who we date, where we go to school, what clothes we wear, and even what type of food we eat is all dictated by what others around us are doing. Stop and think about that for a second. The people that we read about in our history books and admire as the pioneers of new social ideas or inventors of a life-changing thing are the people that dared to go beyond their sociological boundaries. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't fight for African American rights because society was looking for it. The majority of society wasn't even ready for that type of leader, but he did it because he truly believed in equality and the power of a cohesive people.
We stand here so divided. We are divided by words, by lies, and even by some truths, but we're all people. We all breathe the same air and share the same sky. Let it be. Let that rumor you just heard be. Let the thought you just had stay in your mind. Let the negative comments be. Let the sarcasm be. Let the cruelty be. Let the arrogance be. We're all people, and well just need to let it be.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Afraid of What We Feel
Recently I had a conversation with a friend about the increasing rate of divorce in America. We discussed how Americans have a consumerist mindset, which leads them to the idea that people, like items they buy at Wal Mart, are disposable. Use them, throw them away. These items, however, are not being sent to the landfills, they are recycled.
They are put back onto the streets where they become tactical beings with nervous and unidentifiable feelings of love and loss. I have realized that people in general, however, are becoming more and more afraid of what they feel. I think it is partially due to the fact that people have so many options these days. The boy you marry is most likely not going to be the guy that you've known since you were a baby because your dads were fishing buddies. It's a big world. People move and grow and with all of the world out there changing with them, how can they be expected to stay with one person?
I'm a firm believer in the idea that one person cannot expect one person to fill every desire and wish in their life. People need to experience friendships and learn something from everyone, not just their chosen spouse or partner.
I'm such a rambler. I guess this is basically my thoughts for today.
Oh, and this thought popped up in my head about 20 million times: I WISH I WAS DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.
K, thats all. =)
They are put back onto the streets where they become tactical beings with nervous and unidentifiable feelings of love and loss. I have realized that people in general, however, are becoming more and more afraid of what they feel. I think it is partially due to the fact that people have so many options these days. The boy you marry is most likely not going to be the guy that you've known since you were a baby because your dads were fishing buddies. It's a big world. People move and grow and with all of the world out there changing with them, how can they be expected to stay with one person?
I'm a firm believer in the idea that one person cannot expect one person to fill every desire and wish in their life. People need to experience friendships and learn something from everyone, not just their chosen spouse or partner.
I'm such a rambler. I guess this is basically my thoughts for today.
Oh, and this thought popped up in my head about 20 million times: I WISH I WAS DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.
K, thats all. =)
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