So it turns out I did like Adam. Since my last post we've been dating for about five months now, and happily I might add. He still makes me feel amazing and I still enjoy every second I spend with him. Lately though, it's been a more tense understanding. I think a lot of the new doubts in my head are just results of the fact that I'm leaving. It's a plain and simple fact. I'm leaving. Adam is staying here. So why, if it is such a simple concept, is it so damn difficult to wrap my little brain around it?
I always was kind of scared to get into committed relationships because a fear of vulnerability runs deep in my veins. It is frightening when you know that you care about someone so much that with just a word or a look from them you could be devastated. How is it fair? That people can have this much control over us. In one of Ingrid Michaelson's songs she says, "And we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." She has it just about right. No matter what we're doing in life we are all human. We all have the ability to love passionately and care deeply about another human being. And this is supposed to be a gift, right? Then why is it so overwhelmingly frightening?
I can't help thinking that this whole relationship is just coming to a crashing end. It's too good to be true. I don't deserve this. Something is going to happen to screw everything up. Why can't I just accept that this may actually be a solid relationship? I am starting to have all these doubts about us. Every time he decides to spend time with his friends I almost feel jealous because he chose them over me. It's not quite jealousy though. And it's not hurt. I don't know what it is, but it's annoying. I am scared that I am turning into one of those girlfriends that I hate. I can barely help it though! I just keep thinking that I'm going to be leaving and he is barely ever going to be able to see me and he wants to spend time with his friends? The last like four nights I've been annoyed at him for something or other. I really am not normally like this at all, so what's changed? What's happening to me? Am I turning into a possessive girlfriend that worries too much? And if I am, how do I stop it?! That is not what I want to be at all.
All of this is just so exhausting. I'm thinking about breaking up with him just to spare myself the drama and worry of it all. I don't think I am built to handle all of these emotions. I'm not one of those girls that enjoys it at all. So if things aren't good I start getting antsy, immediately. Do I want this? How much is it worth to me? And the thing is is that I care about Adam more than anyone, but I just keep on wondering when it starts getting hard when I get to school if we're going to be able to make it? Is it worth me putting in all this time, energy, and downright raw emotion when it'll all be over in a few months?
On a completely different side of my brain, I can't help feeling horribly alone these days. All of my friends are quickly becoming engulfed in the party scene or their boyfriends or just something. I always thought that there are different types of relationships. There are relationships where you help the other person, relationships where the other person helps you, and relationships that are mutually beneficial. Lately I feel like the only relationships I have are when I'm helping the other person. People come to me with their problems all the time, but ironically I feel isolated. I feel like I can't reach out to anyone to talk about these things because everyone things I'm the girl that has it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out! I just keep screaming in my head that I don't want to be alone and I desperately want to talk to someone about everything that I'm feeling, but I can't! I swear I'm like incapable of vocalizing my problems, I just internalize the shit out of them until eventually I forget that they are there. I know this isn't good and I know I need to work on it, but how? How do I vocalize my problems to someone that isn't even there? I know there are people that I could talk to about these things, but the trouble is that like I said everyone has this idea of me and so I really don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about any of it. With time I hope I will be able to grow up and handle things in a more positive way, but will I? If I'm not training myself now to handle things properly I think the problem will only get worse.
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