My Complex

Maybe I over reacted a little bit yesterday. Sometimes that happens to me. I don't really wanta break up with Adam, at all. I just wish I was better at communicating my feelings to him because I know he would be receptive to what I was feeling, but I just need to find the words to help him be receptive.
Last night I was talking to Rachel about everything that has been going on lately with Adam and she asked me something that kind of made me stop. She asked me if I could marry him. The thing is, I think I really could. When I look at the lifestyle that his parents have, it is basically exactly what I want. It is pretty much exactly like my family's routine, but his parents are more financially stable. If we can just make it through the next couple years, which may be rough, I think we could actually make it work in the long run. I feel like we want the same things from life and have the same general outlook on things.
I decided recently though that I have a complex. I was raised to be very independent. I think my mom going back to school made me like this because she really wasn't around to do much for me anymore. I think I probably started cooking dinner for the family when I was about twelve and I've been doing my own thing for years now it feels like. The real root of this complex however isn't just my independent nature, it's the fact that growing up I have had to pay for basically everything. This is completely fine with me. I think that having your children pay for thing is great. I know that working my butt off and paying for my first car was probably one of the best feelings in the world. Nothing compares to knowing that you want something and being able to work to make it happen. That is exactly how dreams become reality. I think that this whole concept of working for what I want will lead me to do great things in my life, and I hope it does, but when it comes to relationships, it is such a hindrance.
I am just so unaccustomed to having people do things for me! On Monday, Adam and I had been dating for five months and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just couldn't let him. I absolutely abhor the idea of him paying for me! I know I need to get over it because he wants to do nice things for me, but I just can't get past this idea that I should be paying. I love doing things for people, so in return you would think that I would love having things done for me, but I hate it! I feel so guilty when people pay for things for me. It's just not like me at all. I wish I was able to give and take. It's so funny because for most people it's so hard to give, and I would give anything to anyone. I really would. I throw my heart into things, sometimes maybe too easily. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When a stranger suffers, I feel it. I feel like it's so different from anybody else's problem. For most people, especially girls, the taking part is so easy, but for me it's just not. I'm just so used to giving. It's all I know. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint or anything, and I'm ALWAYS willing to accept a good present, but other things are just different. I don't know quite how to explain it.
I didn't believe for the longest time, but now maybe I do kinda understand what people mean when they say that everyone has problems. Everyone thinks that I have a perfect life, and I really do have many blessings to be thankful for. But when people look at my life, I wish they could see how much of it I worked for. My parents didn't get me these grades. My parents didn't get me this body. My parents didn't get me this personality. I feel like people always think that I live this life that was just perfectly molded for me and it isn't that way at all. I know that millions of people endure hardships everyday that I can't even imagine, but I do think that everyone has their own hardships; although of varying difficulty, they all play a huge role in shaping who we are as individuals and who we may become.
It's interesting how when you're going through something you never really realize the impact that it will have on the rest of your life. I really feel like my mom going back to school changed my life completely. At the time, I didn't really think that much about it, but it really has made me who I am. I guess in a way though that's a good thing, because when I look at the life that I'm enjoying immensely, I realize that I couldn't ask for anything more. What more can anyone ask for? I've got a family that loves me, I live in a beautiful place, I have marvelous friends, I have a great boyfriend, I have a future, and I have hope. I think if you have hope within yourself, then there is nothing you can ever fear about the future.