The day began so long ago... These past twenty four hours have become a twisted, winding path that has led me directly to this moment. This being. This feeling. Why do people have a constant need to be searching or striving? I feel like you have to come to a point in your life when you realize that all that striving has gotten you to where you are now, so now you can just be. This whole day has just made me fall in love with my life. All over again. How did I ever get so lucky? To be surrounded by so many loving, joyful people? Who all share a love for each other? There is something about this time in your life where you have this connection with people that I don't know if we will ever be able to have again. When will you be able to connect with people like this again? I feel like my cup of life is overflowing with so much goodness. I don't know how it happened that I found myself surrounded by all of this life, but I'm so grateful and so happy to have stumbled upon it. I feel like it is just me. For the first time in my life. So connected and so happy.

Summer's Gone...

The summer of 2011 has come to an end. Well, in two more days. On Friday, I leave for Bloomsburg for my second year. I am so excited. I think it is all starting to finally hit me that Adam is going to be there with me! I can't believe everything worked out this way! If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought that Adam and I would be going to school together somewhere I would have never guessed that it would have happened. I think it is better this way though. I wouldn't have wanted to feel like I had asked him to come to Bloom or anything. This way, he made the decision all on his own and if thinks don't work out or he isn't happy there, it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Today an earthquake hit Pennsylvania! My family and I were at the beach in Cape May, all of us were just laying on the beach and all of a sudden everything just started moving. At first I thought I was just dizzy or something from being out in the sun all day, but then it just kept happening! I didn't really know what was going on then and I look around to Jessica and everyone is looking at each other and we all look as confused as I feel! Turns out it was a 5.8 magnitude earthquake. It hit the hardest in Virginia, but you could feel it all the way up in New England! It was crazy! My mom got so scared though! She kept on looking at the ocean to see if a tsunami was coming. On the way home tonight we were talking a lot about what we would do if the end of the world comes, or when it comes. I'm not sure what I believe about that really. There is so much that I don't know what I believe about. At work the other day we were talking about ghosts and hauntings and that kind of stuff, and I didn't know what to say really. I mean obviously growing up Seventh Day Adventist, we were taught not to believe in any of that, but now that I've basically completely left the world behind, what beliefs am I left with? It's hard to dispel an idea that has been ingrained in my head since I was a baby.
I think if the world ever did end I would just want to be with the people I loved. Adam came down to the beach for a day with us and it just kind of made me realize that the people I was surrounded with really were the people that I really care about. Other people in my life matter to me, but nothing matters to me as much as my family and Adam.
I'm kind of nervous about going to school with Adam at the same time. We've talked before about how when we go on trips or do fun things without each other, we always wish the other person was there, so we could share it with them. I know I wanted Adam to be there with me so many times last year, but it's just hard to accept the idea that Bloom is going from being my place, to our place. Not that I will be with him constantly, but before he wasn't really a part of my life there. Everyone knew I had a boyfriend, and most people even knew him, but I was just about to be selfish and completely myself and not worry about us. I know deep down that I will never love anyone the way I love Adam. Even if we break up or don't end up together I think I will always look back and know that we have shared together has been so real. When I am with him, I feel like I am the person I want to be. After a year and a half, I still smile almost constantly when I'm with him. He still makes me giggle like a little girl and I can't lie, I still have some pretty serious hots for him. Haha. At Cole's graduation party a couple weekends my mom asked Mrs. Engel what she thought about us being together and Mrs. Engel said she loved it, and that she wished we were 24.
I find myself thinking that a lot as well. This is such a hard age to be with someone that you care about so deeply. This is the time in our lives when we should be discovering ourselves and finding out who we want to be in life. I just hope that if we do stay together I never look back on this time and wonder if I missed out or if I would have done things differently...
When I think about it though, I am living the life I want to live. I still do all the things I want to do, I just get to do them with my best friend. I don't know how else to describe it. I just need to remember to be realistic. I am 18. I have so much of my life left to live. Sometimes I think I might like a break from the relationship, but I'm so afraid of losing him. I do know he is the best person I will ever find me, and if I walk away from that, how will I ever forgive myself? I wouldn't even be walking away to go to someone else, I've seen enough of the tools out there to know that I am not interested, but if I wanted to take a break for myself, I would be scared.
I'm just so curious to see how this year is going to go. I don't necessarily have the best feeling about it. I feel like if we made it through last year, and we make it through this year, then we don't have much else to worry about. We've been through a lot together and it has all for the most part been smooth sailing. There are definitely things I have learned about relationships along the way though. I realized that when you care about people, you need to be able to let them be who they need to be. I have also learned that even though Adam tells me I need to tell him more things, which is true, I also need to remember to think things over before I ever freak out. Last weekend was the first time in our whole relationship that either of us got really angry with each other. I just flew off the handle on him and I can honestly say I hope I never to talk him like that again. He means the world to me and I respect him and his opinion, and for me to talk to him like that is just wrong. He didn't deserve it and I should have gathered my thoughts together more thoroughly before I went off spouting anger all over the place. It's hard to bite your tongue sometimes, but I think it is so important to take the time to think of others and their side of the story.
I just recently went through this phase where I started feeling completely bored with my life. It was just a couple days of me looking around and wondering if this was really what I wanted. Was Speech Path really what I wanted to do with my life? Was this where I wanted to be? Going back to Bloomsburg? Was I happy with my friends? Just everything. I felt bored and discontent, and I think, looking back now, this feeling of discontent was caused largely by my hormones, but at the time I was completely convinced that this was me, Mackenzie Dowdy, and I was bored. So the one day Adam and I were driving and he mentioned that I was rather quiet that day and I just said I'm bored with my life. Just like that. I didn't fuss about it or cry about it, I just said it. He got so defensive about it immediately and retorted, "only bored people get bored." This has been a saying of mine for years, and to hear it repeated back to me was like a slap in the face. It was also a slap in the face because I wanted my boyfriend to talk to me about my life and why I wasn't feeling happy, instead he kind of just shut down. I was in a serious funk for a few days and then my dad said to me, "when are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Everyday of your life isn't going to be a party. If you want something, you have to work for it, and it isn't always going to be fun, but you gotta keep pushing." He basically told me to quit bitching and get on with my life. He also said that if I drop out of college I will always regret it.
I hope this year I can remind myself of that. I feel like this summer I have kind of let myself go. I haven't been working out nearly as much I usually do and I just feel kinda crappy, not to mention crabby. I think I just need to keep my eyes focused on the prize at the end. I have five more years of school left before I need to enter the real world, and lord, it doesn't seem to fun out there. However, if I do finish these next five years, and apply myself and do well, I will be walking out of school with a good job and a good salary. And that's when I can start doing things I want to do. I may not be going on a million trips next summer, because I might take classes, or for whatever other reason, but I need to remember what I'm working for. I'm building a life for myself that right now I don't have. And sometimes I feel like that's all I want. I want some financial security and the ability to go on trips and go places and do whatever the hell I want, if I just work hard. God, I hope this semester goes well...

Summertime and the Living is Easy

I feel like that one line is the soundtrack to my whole summer. I have been really rather busy, but in a good way! I have been working a lot (and feeling like I'm making no money) and hanging out with my friends and trying to go to the beach as much as possible and also trying to make plans. I feel like I've been bit pretty bad by the travel bug this year. I've decided I need to just make things happen for myself. I can't rely on others to join me in adventures and travels and such. If they want to, I would welcome it, but otherwise I think it's something that I just need to do.
Evey person that I've ever met that I have admired has just done what they want to do. I know I need to make decisions that are best for me and do what I need to do to make sure that I'm becoming the person I want to be, but I'm not very good at actually making those decisions. It is hard for me to feel like I am letting someone down or not living up to someone's expectations. Maybe someday I'll realize what I need to do.
It has been very interesting for me to work at the library this summer. That is a crazy place! It makes me think a lot about social class and the limited opportunities that are still given to lesser tier individuals. You think in this industrialized, modern society we would be passed all that, but I guess not. There are kids who come in to the library and you know they will never be given the opportunity to go to college or to get out of the city even really. It just makes me appreciate how wonderful my family is and my opportunities! I know that I do get upset quite often about money and school, but when I really do think about it, I need to appreciate what things I have been given.
Last weekend Adam and I went to our first music festival together! It was amazing! I think it was the best time of my life and I honestly would not have wanted to be with any other person in the world. I think it brought us closer than anything else has so far in our relationship. It was honestly amazing and the music was insane! I got so into electronic music on this trip! I can't stop listening to Pretty Lights and Big Gigantic now! Haha. It was definitely life changing and I definitely did meet some awesome people.
I guess I could say that overall, my life is pretty swell right now. I've been making some good memories and learning stuff and I think I'm going places. Hopefully I check in in the next year. My blogging skills are sadly poor.

The Sting of Death

But in it's own way, death comes to us all. Whether it snatches us quietly from the night or gives us a few days left to fight, you can't evade it. Relish the journey. Relish the steps. Know that no matter what goes on in this world, life is worth living.
When I heard the news, I couldn't help but wonder why. So young a soul to go this way, so many bright years ahead. Well he fought with the devil for about seven days, but the devil got the best of him. I thought about his family and the ones he left behind. I thought of the ones pining for his existence, left alone in this dark world. To be so young and to go this way. Some things just shouldn't be done. R.I.P. Jon.
Then a few days later, more news comes. Another young man with a heart of gold and so many places to go. He laid his head to rest one night and away he did go. Twenty one years under his shiny belt, and he was just plugging along. Enjoying life splendidly, singing his own song. I met him on my first night in that strange new town and his friendly eyes smiled down at me and helped me to feel at home. Now I guess he is home, according to some, but according to me, I just don't know where all these young kids go. Maybe their hearts just float around up there, appreciating the view. Or perhaps they just look down on us and keep us all in check. Making sure none of our young souls join them on that swiftly moving track. Sometimes life can't be explained, this I've come to know. Just take it day by day and go by what you know. We all have good in us somewhere. Find the goodness in your heart to let these people go. It's not easy, but not much is in life. Be strong and remember that life goes on. We never have to leave or forget the ones we love, we do need to accept that their gone gone beyond our reach. It might be easy to want to join them in the house beyond the hill, but we still have work to do here. They had their time playing this game and it ended far too quickly. Keep playing your game for them. Live a life that will give them a reason to look down here on all of us once and awhile and smile and remember that, "life is short, but sweet for sure." Soak it in. Live it up. Who knows how long we have here?
Remind the people that you still have around you that you care about them and appreciate them, because all life is connected. We are brothers and sisters on this earth.
I may feel confused at the deaths of these young men, but who the fuck isn't? To lose great people at such a young age is a tragedy, but what can we do but move forward? "Decide what to be and go be it." Make your dreams as real as anything. Give them something to watch and look at, wherever they are, but whatever you do, don't give up on life. No matter how many tragedies occur and no matter how much grief comes your way, have the ability to see that there are still good things going on here. The flowers still open up to the sun adn the birds still chirp along and that in itself is enough of a reason to make me smile. R.I.P. Jon and R.I.P. Nomo. You will always be remembered in our hearts and minds. Good luck out there, wherever your journey takes you.

Too Long Since I Blogged...

I have a theory. It is about men and their enabling mothers. Boys are wimps today. They don't know how to fix anything, they don't know how to work hard, they don't know how to save money, and they don't know how to do a lot of things that probably 45% of the male population fifty years ago would have been perfectly capable of doing. They seem to be inept. So I started thinking about what causes this ineptness and I came to the conclusion that it comes down to enabling mothers. I proposed this idea to my mom and she said that as a parent she always thought that doing things for kids when they could do it for themselves was crippling them. How would they ever learn the necessary life skills if someone else is always doing it for them?
For awhile I've been thinking this about boys, but now I'm starting to think about girls. They are seriously I think slightly retarded. Girls know how to do even less than their male counterparts. Last semester my philosophy semester was raving about how we are a generation of dip shits who are completely useless and don't take control of anything and we don't know how to take control of everything, so what are we going to do when we are the ones in control? Eventually we won't be able to just sit around and let other people make the decisions for our lives.
I try to be generally optimistic about life and where we are all headed and I always know that there are still some good things in this world, but man, there is a lot of shit going on. People are just turning into the biggest dickwads. Nobody cares about anybody anymore.
Last night I was at Kevin's house and Cole was texting this one girl and Adam asked him who he was texting and Cole goes, "just some bitch." The first thing all the guys say is, "is she hot?", "is she a babe?". He then proceeded to have her pick him up from Kevin's house when he was drunk as shit because he wanted to "get his dick wet." Real cool. So she picks him up and he throws up all over her house! Super classy!
Last week a bunch of college kids were staying at a friend's house down in Ocean City, MD. One girl who is a junior in college had sex with a boy who is in high school. One girl peed the bed because she was so drunk one night. It's just disgusting. People need to grow up. I'm so sick of being a part of this. Of all of it.
When I was at the beach a few weeks ago with Adam, Kevin, and Corey, we were hanging out in Kevin's room and Adam was asleep next to me and I was looking at stuff on his phone. I wasn't trying to snoop, but I was looking at his favorites on his Stumbleupon. He had several pictures of girls with either enormous boobs or huge asses and all like posing with their fingers in their mouth and I honestly thought I was going to throw up right then. I felt so terrible. I know boys do things like that, but why do they have to look at girls like THAT? I'm never going to be able to compare to something like that. If you're looking for a girl with a 24" waist and a 56" bust, then keep walking. I'm not her. I'm me and that's all I'm ever going to be. Don't compare me to something. If I'm not enough for you, then keep walking. I'm not going to be put in this situation. I'm done with it.

The Beauty of it All

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

We live in a beautiful world. It's sometimes hard to see and it's easily forgotten, but seeing a video like this has to remind you. When you see beauty like this that reaches into your very soul, how can you deny that something is not in charge of all of this? No matter what evolution has taken place, nothing can explain this. When I see videos like this, I get goosebumps!
It also makes me so restless. I'm sitting in my bed in Bloomsburg, when there is this going on in the world? What am I doing? What am I missing? How do I find that boldness within myself to go out and search for beauty like this? The thing about it is though, I think I need to go "looking" for beauty, when really beauty is all around me. It's in the moments of laughter you share with friends and the single moment where you look around you and think, "life is good."
Don't get caught up in it all. You don't owe society anything. Be your own person. If you can't find beauty around you, make it! This is our life. "Decide what to be, and go be it."