The summer of 2011 has come to an end. Well, in two more days. On Friday, I leave for Bloomsburg for my second year. I am so excited. I think it is all starting to finally hit me that Adam is going to be there with me! I can't believe everything worked out this way! If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought that Adam and I would be going to school together somewhere I would have never guessed that it would have happened. I think it is better this way though. I wouldn't have wanted to feel like I had asked him to come to Bloom or anything. This way, he made the decision all on his own and if thinks don't work out or he isn't happy there, it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Today an earthquake hit Pennsylvania! My family and I were at the beach in Cape May, all of us were just laying on the beach and all of a sudden everything just started moving. At first I thought I was just dizzy or something from being out in the sun all day, but then it just kept happening! I didn't really know what was going on then and I look around to Jessica and everyone is looking at each other and we all look as confused as I feel! Turns out it was a 5.8 magnitude earthquake. It hit the hardest in Virginia, but you could feel it all the way up in New England! It was crazy! My mom got so scared though! She kept on looking at the ocean to see if a tsunami was coming. On the way home tonight we were talking a lot about what we would do if the end of the world comes, or when it comes. I'm not sure what I believe about that really. There is so much that I don't know what I believe about. At work the other day we were talking about ghosts and hauntings and that kind of stuff, and I didn't know what to say really. I mean obviously growing up Seventh Day Adventist, we were taught not to believe in any of that, but now that I've basically completely left the world behind, what beliefs am I left with? It's hard to dispel an idea that has been ingrained in my head since I was a baby.
I think if the world ever did end I would just want to be with the people I loved. Adam came down to the beach for a day with us and it just kind of made me realize that the people I was surrounded with really were the people that I really care about. Other people in my life matter to me, but nothing matters to me as much as my family and Adam.
I'm kind of nervous about going to school with Adam at the same time. We've talked before about how when we go on trips or do fun things without each other, we always wish the other person was there, so we could share it with them. I know I wanted Adam to be there with me so many times last year, but it's just hard to accept the idea that Bloom is going from being my place, to our place. Not that I will be with him constantly, but before he wasn't really a part of my life there. Everyone knew I had a boyfriend, and most people even knew him, but I was just about to be selfish and completely myself and not worry about us. I know deep down that I will never love anyone the way I love Adam. Even if we break up or don't end up together I think I will always look back and know that we have shared together has been so real. When I am with him, I feel like I am the person I want to be. After a year and a half, I still smile almost constantly when I'm with him. He still makes me giggle like a little girl and I can't lie, I still have some pretty serious hots for him. Haha. At Cole's graduation party a couple weekends my mom asked Mrs. Engel what she thought about us being together and Mrs. Engel said she loved it, and that she wished we were 24.
I find myself thinking that a lot as well. This is such a hard age to be with someone that you care about so deeply. This is the time in our lives when we should be discovering ourselves and finding out who we want to be in life. I just hope that if we do stay together I never look back on this time and wonder if I missed out or if I would have done things differently...
When I think about it though, I am living the life I want to live. I still do all the things I want to do, I just get to do them with my best friend. I don't know how else to describe it. I just need to remember to be realistic. I am 18. I have so much of my life left to live. Sometimes I think I might like a break from the relationship, but I'm so afraid of losing him. I do know he is the best person I will ever find me, and if I walk away from that, how will I ever forgive myself? I wouldn't even be walking away to go to someone else, I've seen enough of the tools out there to know that I am not interested, but if I wanted to take a break for myself, I would be scared.
I'm just so curious to see how this year is going to go. I don't necessarily have the best feeling about it. I feel like if we made it through last year, and we make it through this year, then we don't have much else to worry about. We've been through a lot together and it has all for the most part been smooth sailing. There are definitely things I have learned about relationships along the way though. I realized that when you care about people, you need to be able to let them be who they need to be. I have also learned that even though Adam tells me I need to tell him more things, which is true, I also need to remember to think things over before I ever freak out. Last weekend was the first time in our whole relationship that either of us got really angry with each other. I just flew off the handle on him and I can honestly say I hope I never to talk him like that again. He means the world to me and I respect him and his opinion, and for me to talk to him like that is just wrong. He didn't deserve it and I should have gathered my thoughts together more thoroughly before I went off spouting anger all over the place. It's hard to bite your tongue sometimes, but I think it is so important to take the time to think of others and their side of the story.
I just recently went through this phase where I started feeling completely bored with my life. It was just a couple days of me looking around and wondering if this was really what I wanted. Was Speech Path really what I wanted to do with my life? Was this where I wanted to be? Going back to Bloomsburg? Was I happy with my friends? Just everything. I felt bored and discontent, and I think, looking back now, this feeling of discontent was caused largely by my hormones, but at the time I was completely convinced that this was me, Mackenzie Dowdy, and I was bored. So the one day Adam and I were driving and he mentioned that I was rather quiet that day and I just said I'm bored with my life. Just like that. I didn't fuss about it or cry about it, I just said it. He got so defensive about it immediately and retorted, "only bored people get bored." This has been a saying of mine for years, and to hear it repeated back to me was like a slap in the face. It was also a slap in the face because I wanted my boyfriend to talk to me about my life and why I wasn't feeling happy, instead he kind of just shut down. I was in a serious funk for a few days and then my dad said to me, "when are you going to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Everyday of your life isn't going to be a party. If you want something, you have to work for it, and it isn't always going to be fun, but you gotta keep pushing." He basically told me to quit bitching and get on with my life. He also said that if I drop out of college I will always regret it.
I hope this year I can remind myself of that. I feel like this summer I have kind of let myself go. I haven't been working out nearly as much I usually do and I just feel kinda crappy, not to mention crabby. I think I just need to keep my eyes focused on the prize at the end. I have five more years of school left before I need to enter the real world, and lord, it doesn't seem to fun out there. However, if I do finish these next five years, and apply myself and do well, I will be walking out of school with a good job and a good salary. And that's when I can start doing things I want to do. I may not be going on a million trips next summer, because I might take classes, or for whatever other reason, but I need to remember what I'm working for. I'm building a life for myself that right now I don't have. And sometimes I feel like that's all I want. I want some financial security and the ability to go on trips and go places and do whatever the hell I want, if I just work hard. God, I hope this semester goes well...
No comments:
Post a Comment