My Complex

Maybe I over reacted a little bit yesterday. Sometimes that happens to me. I don't really wanta break up with Adam, at all. I just wish I was better at communicating my feelings to him because I know he would be receptive to what I was feeling, but I just need to find the words to help him be receptive.
Last night I was talking to Rachel about everything that has been going on lately with Adam and she asked me something that kind of made me stop. She asked me if I could marry him. The thing is, I think I really could. When I look at the lifestyle that his parents have, it is basically exactly what I want. It is pretty much exactly like my family's routine, but his parents are more financially stable. If we can just make it through the next couple years, which may be rough, I think we could actually make it work in the long run. I feel like we want the same things from life and have the same general outlook on things.
I decided recently though that I have a complex. I was raised to be very independent. I think my mom going back to school made me like this because she really wasn't around to do much for me anymore. I think I probably started cooking dinner for the family when I was about twelve and I've been doing my own thing for years now it feels like. The real root of this complex however isn't just my independent nature, it's the fact that growing up I have had to pay for basically everything. This is completely fine with me. I think that having your children pay for thing is great. I know that working my butt off and paying for my first car was probably one of the best feelings in the world. Nothing compares to knowing that you want something and being able to work to make it happen. That is exactly how dreams become reality. I think that this whole concept of working for what I want will lead me to do great things in my life, and I hope it does, but when it comes to relationships, it is such a hindrance.
I am just so unaccustomed to having people do things for me! On Monday, Adam and I had been dating for five months and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just couldn't let him. I absolutely abhor the idea of him paying for me! I know I need to get over it because he wants to do nice things for me, but I just can't get past this idea that I should be paying. I love doing things for people, so in return you would think that I would love having things done for me, but I hate it! I feel so guilty when people pay for things for me. It's just not like me at all. I wish I was able to give and take. It's so funny because for most people it's so hard to give, and I would give anything to anyone. I really would. I throw my heart into things, sometimes maybe too easily. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When a stranger suffers, I feel it. I feel like it's so different from anybody else's problem. For most people, especially girls, the taking part is so easy, but for me it's just not. I'm just so used to giving. It's all I know. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint or anything, and I'm ALWAYS willing to accept a good present, but other things are just different. I don't know quite how to explain it.
I didn't believe for the longest time, but now maybe I do kinda understand what people mean when they say that everyone has problems. Everyone thinks that I have a perfect life, and I really do have many blessings to be thankful for. But when people look at my life, I wish they could see how much of it I worked for. My parents didn't get me these grades. My parents didn't get me this body. My parents didn't get me this personality. I feel like people always think that I live this life that was just perfectly molded for me and it isn't that way at all. I know that millions of people endure hardships everyday that I can't even imagine, but I do think that everyone has their own hardships; although of varying difficulty, they all play a huge role in shaping who we are as individuals and who we may become.
It's interesting how when you're going through something you never really realize the impact that it will have on the rest of your life. I really feel like my mom going back to school changed my life completely. At the time, I didn't really think that much about it, but it really has made me who I am. I guess in a way though that's a good thing, because when I look at the life that I'm enjoying immensely, I realize that I couldn't ask for anything more. What more can anyone ask for? I've got a family that loves me, I live in a beautiful place, I have marvelous friends, I have a great boyfriend, I have a future, and I have hope. I think if you have hope within yourself, then there is nothing you can ever fear about the future.

I am thinking about breaking up with Adam. Several things about him have been bothering me a lot lately. First of all, his inability to make plans and stick to them. Secondly, I can't stand how he only works one day a week and gets money from his parents all the time and he uses their money to support his drug habit! Get a job and pay for your own fucking drugs! And he wants to have sex with me so damn bad and I don't want to have sex with him! I'm not ready. We're probably going to break up in a couple months anyway because he will stay at home this year and smoke pot with all his friends while I'm at school. Good shit. I'm just so fed up with all of his antics. When I'm with him though, it's so easy to just forget about it all and focus on all the good things. I do love Adam a lot, but I don't know how much of him I can take. I just keep on thinking he is such a kid.

Knowing when to say goodbye...

So it turns out I did like Adam. Since my last post we've been dating for about five months now, and happily I might add. He still makes me feel amazing and I still enjoy every second I spend with him. Lately though, it's been a more tense understanding. I think a lot of the new doubts in my head are just results of the fact that I'm leaving. It's a plain and simple fact. I'm leaving. Adam is staying here. So why, if it is such a simple concept, is it so damn difficult to wrap my little brain around it?
I always was kind of scared to get into committed relationships because a fear of vulnerability runs deep in my veins. It is frightening when you know that you care about someone so much that with just a word or a look from them you could be devastated. How is it fair? That people can have this much control over us. In one of Ingrid Michaelson's songs she says, "And we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." She has it just about right. No matter what we're doing in life we are all human. We all have the ability to love passionately and care deeply about another human being. And this is supposed to be a gift, right? Then why is it so overwhelmingly frightening?
I can't help thinking that this whole relationship is just coming to a crashing end. It's too good to be true. I don't deserve this. Something is going to happen to screw everything up. Why can't I just accept that this may actually be a solid relationship? I am starting to have all these doubts about us. Every time he decides to spend time with his friends I almost feel jealous because he chose them over me. It's not quite jealousy though. And it's not hurt. I don't know what it is, but it's annoying. I am scared that I am turning into one of those girlfriends that I hate. I can barely help it though! I just keep thinking that I'm going to be leaving and he is barely ever going to be able to see me and he wants to spend time with his friends? The last like four nights I've been annoyed at him for something or other. I really am not normally like this at all, so what's changed? What's happening to me? Am I turning into a possessive girlfriend that worries too much? And if I am, how do I stop it?! That is not what I want to be at all.
All of this is just so exhausting. I'm thinking about breaking up with him just to spare myself the drama and worry of it all. I don't think I am built to handle all of these emotions. I'm not one of those girls that enjoys it at all. So if things aren't good I start getting antsy, immediately. Do I want this? How much is it worth to me? And the thing is is that I care about Adam more than anyone, but I just keep on wondering when it starts getting hard when I get to school if we're going to be able to make it? Is it worth me putting in all this time, energy, and downright raw emotion when it'll all be over in a few months?
On a completely different side of my brain, I can't help feeling horribly alone these days. All of my friends are quickly becoming engulfed in the party scene or their boyfriends or just something. I always thought that there are different types of relationships. There are relationships where you help the other person, relationships where the other person helps you, and relationships that are mutually beneficial. Lately I feel like the only relationships I have are when I'm helping the other person. People come to me with their problems all the time, but ironically I feel isolated. I feel like I can't reach out to anyone to talk about these things because everyone things I'm the girl that has it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out! I just keep screaming in my head that I don't want to be alone and I desperately want to talk to someone about everything that I'm feeling, but I can't! I swear I'm like incapable of vocalizing my problems, I just internalize the shit out of them until eventually I forget that they are there. I know this isn't good and I know I need to work on it, but how? How do I vocalize my problems to someone that isn't even there? I know there are people that I could talk to about these things, but the trouble is that like I said everyone has this idea of me and so I really don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about any of it. With time I hope I will be able to grow up and handle things in a more positive way, but will I? If I'm not training myself now to handle things properly I think the problem will only get worse.