Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Family
Today I spent the day with Jessica in Carlisle. It was quite eventful! We went tubing for a couple hours and then climbed at this gym called the Climbnasium for three hours! My arms are so ridiculously sore, but it was definitely worth it. It was so, so fun! I think I could really, really get into it! I just need shoes and then I'm going going gone! Haha.
Anyway, while I was tubing today and hanging out with Jessica I realized that I've been having all these issues about how I feel like I can't relate to my friends and they really don't ever understand me fully, but the best part about family is that they really do understand you so well. Everything i've been thinking about life and love and the whole world Jessica just understood and could relate to. There is this one quote that says, "To be great is to be misunderstood." I don't want to believe that. I want to be great and do great things, and I plan to, but at the end of the day knowing that there is someone who understands you and supports you is much more important than being great, for me atleast. If I had to choose between greatness or being understood, I'd choose being understood every time. If you're great, and no one understands you then you have no one to share all of your joy with anyway, so what's the point? Just find someone to love you. Love is what makes life worth living.
"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." -The Notebook
Anyway, while I was tubing today and hanging out with Jessica I realized that I've been having all these issues about how I feel like I can't relate to my friends and they really don't ever understand me fully, but the best part about family is that they really do understand you so well. Everything i've been thinking about life and love and the whole world Jessica just understood and could relate to. There is this one quote that says, "To be great is to be misunderstood." I don't want to believe that. I want to be great and do great things, and I plan to, but at the end of the day knowing that there is someone who understands you and supports you is much more important than being great, for me atleast. If I had to choose between greatness or being understood, I'd choose being understood every time. If you're great, and no one understands you then you have no one to share all of your joy with anyway, so what's the point? Just find someone to love you. Love is what makes life worth living.
"I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." -The Notebook
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's been awhile...
but here I am! Dutifully blogging. =) I hate when I wait so long to blog that I have so many thoughts to jot down that I don't even know where to start.
Do you ever feel like you connect to something so deeply that it reaches inside your very soul and pulls out a piece of you? I went to a Jack Johnson concert on July 11 with Adam and that is exactly how I felt. I honestly have never experienced so much joy in one place, at one time, in my whole entire life. I couldn't sit still and the emotions and music hit me in waves. It was probably 95 degrees, but still goosebumps developed all over my body. The lyrics of his songs are so dear to my heart. He ended with the song, "Better Together," and boy, did it hit me hard. I just stood there with Adam's arms around me and in that moment I could have lived forever. It was an unbelievable feeling. I was so euphoric. After the concert we went back to Kevin's beach house in Stone Harbor and the night just got better. Adam and I got so much closer on that trip. When we woke up the next morning we had slept in two twin beds in the same room and we woke up facing each other and started talking right away. You know when you have those sleepovers when you're younger that when you wake up you just start talking and giggling? That's exactly how it was. I feel like he's become my best friend and my boyfriend and it's kind of terrifying.
I've just been thinking tonight, while I was reading, Eat, Pray, Love, I wish we weren't so young. We both have so much life to live, but sometimes I feel like I have put myself out there too much. How well do I even know myself? Am I allowing him to shape me too much? If we ever break up am I even going to know who I am? A couple nights ago we were at Kevin's house again and we weren't in separate beds and I was lying there in his arms and I brought up the conversation, thanks to the influence of alcohol and marijuana =), that I had been keeping smashed in the back of my brain. The one conversation I didn't want to have with him. I was afraid I would scare him away. I was afraid that I was basing myself around him too much. Ever heard of the phrase, "catching your chickens before they are hatched?" Well yea, that's me. Counting my rings before they've even been imagined.
When I'm with him though, sometimes it's so hard not to think about it. I honestly do care about him so deeply it's impossible to not see a life with him. So I brought it up, casually. I remember stroking his chest and telling him to please not be freaked out by what I was about to say. Immediately I sensed that he didn't really want to me to say it, so I stopped and I asked him if he didn't want me to tell him I wouldn't. It was funny because what he said next was exactly true. He reminded me that I always say things that I regret when I'm drunk or high and with him, so he just wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret it. I had been thinking about it for so long though that I had to tell him, so I did. I said I really don't want to freak you out and I'm sure that if it doesn't work out this way we will both go on to live perfectly happy, fulfilled lives, but I can't help but picturing our life together. When I was sitting on the beach that day with Maddie while Kevin and Adam surfed she said to me, "ya know, this could still be us in ten years. I can just see it now." For a second, I rejected the thought, but then I realized yea, this could still be us in ten years. I told Adam what Maddie had said and I told him that I am not planning my life around him, but I could picture myself with him in the future. There is something so secure about being with him that I just can't resist. I thought for sure he wasn't going to say anything back to me and that I was going to be terribly sad, but he actually did say that he had been thinking the same thing. He said he's been thinking about how many of his parent's friends have been together since high school. It can happen.
I guess we have to make it through the next couple years first though. I'm leaving in sixteen days. He is going to be gone fi or seven of those sixteen. The night I have to say goodbye to him is going to be the saddest night of my life so far probably. I just teared up even thinking about it. Why can't the good things in life just stay with us? Always. I know that people say that the ones we love will always be in our hearts, but I don't just want him in my heart. I want him in my view. I want him in my arms. I want him in my bed. I want his voice in my ear. I want his touch on my skin. I want his smell in my nose. I want all of him. Always. How can I be at school and still have all of those things?
I can't. That's the simple answer. I really can't. We had a really good conversation about me leaving when we were on the beach the other night. I guess what people say is true. If we both want this relationship badly enough then it will work. If it doesn't, it was a beautiful, beautiful relationship. I want it to work though. I want it to work so, so badly.
On a completely different note, I think I want to try acid. Adam was reading me this book of his where it's basically all about acid. It's called the Kool Aid Acid Test. I guess it's all about Jerry Garcia and his travels and adventures with the drug. Anyway, after reading that I definitely want to try it. I want to experience that type of closeness with another individual and with the world around me. I feel like I would love it.
Sometimes I scare myself with how much I enjoy things. I love drinking. I love smoking, and after I try acid, I'll most likely love tripping. Where do I draw the line? How much am I willing to try? And why am I trying it? Am I looking for something? If so, what? Am I bored? Am I looking for a thrill? I can't put my finger on it. It's just something that I feel compelled to do. I feel like my experiences with music will just be so much more real and almost palpable if I do it. I want to so badly. Speaking of music experiences, I didn't even fill you in on the Newport Folk Festival!
Two weekends ago Natalie and I just randomly decided to go to the Newport Folk Festival. A bunch of really great musicians were playing and Natalie had been thinking about going for awhile, but she thought that the tickets would be super expensive. Turns out the tickets were only $125, and then we were on our way! It was quite an adventure. Ha.
It was a two day musical experience and boy was it memorable. I seriously listened to some of the most amazing music I have ever heard. It made me think of Dan so much. I met so many people that were just so nice and I seriously felt like I could have stayed there forever. Just laying out in the sun with good friends around me and the music sinking in through every pore on my body, what more can a girl ask for? Well, I might have asked for a bed. Haha.
The first night we stayed in a hotel, just because we got up there so late. We had planned on camping, but turns out all the campsites had been booked two months in advance! Guess next year we need to plan better... So a couple people asked us to stay with them on Saturday, but Natalie didn't want to stay with any of them, so we ended up staying in the car. Natalie is quite accustomed to this mode of living, I however, am I more fragile individual. I thought I could handle it, but turns out, I am not cut out for sleeping in unusual positions in creepy parking lots. I read by the light of a Barnes and Noble sign until three a.m. and then I tossed and turned for the next few hours until daylight thinking that every car was a police officer saying we couldn't stay there. It was not a restful night, to say the least. I am so happy that we stayed though, because Sunday was probably one of the most enriching experiences of my life!
We got to listen to the Felice Brothers and oh my god they were amazing. I barely even knew their music at the time, but I stood there and danced and sang and let the music wash over me. That was another one of those moments where I got goosebumps. Some things have just been hitting my so closely lately, it's almost weird. I closed my eyes and just let my body move with the music. I didn't care who watched or heard, because in my mind they weren't even there. It was just me and the music and my body swaying back and back with the lyrics resonating softly in my mind. It was bliss; pure and utter bliss. We encored them like three times and then George Wein, who is the guy who runs the whole festival and is the cutest old man alive, just allotted them more time because we were all so into it. The only thing that sucked about the experience was that the security guards were complete dicks. They were so strict and whenever anyone got really into the music and was doing stuff in the aisles they basically told them they couldn't do that. How can you tell someone they can't feel the music? You can't. I'm so happy none of them said anything to me. I don't know what I would have done. I was in a completely different state of mind, but I was seriously loving it.
Then after the Felice Brothers this other band that Natalie and I had never heard of called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. As they set up on stage the smell of weed just crept into the tent. They are a huge hippie band, and they are amazing. Like I said, we didn't know any of the music, but I have never felt so emotionally attached to anything in my life. They are a really eclectic group of individuals. The lead singer's name is Alexander and apparently he was dating this girl that is also in the band, Jade. But sadly, they broke up and this guy that was sitting in front of us told us all about this. He said that he saw them before they broke up and it was unreal. He said sometimes you felt like you were sitting in on something so personal because of how deeply and honestly they were in love with each other. Apparently she is dating someone else in the band now, so that is kind of scandalous. You could definitely see some tension on the stage, but nothing to hinder the amazingness of the show at all. It was still incredible.
The lead singer, Alexander, honestly looks like every picture you have ever seen of Jesus. He came out dressed all in white and he has this dark brown wavy hair that is beautiful with these crystal clear blue eyes that honestly look into your soul. He actually jumped off the stage into the crowd and for a good three seconds looked into my eyes and my breath was taken away. He was almost majestic in a way. Honestly it was a crazy experience. When he is performing you can just tell that he is so into the music they are creating (and they are certainly creating it) that you can't help but be into it. You just watch him sing with every fiber of his skinny being and you can't help but dance and move with the music. God. It was amazing. Just thinking about it now I start swaying and getting into it. The whole experience was unreal.
I wish I could be true to myself. I think if I were completely true to myself I would leave everything I know and just be. Is that possible? Is it possible anywhere in this world to just be? I just want to lay in a field and watch the clouds change shape. I just want to breathe and jam and be. I want to be in New Zealand with Dan. I miss that boy so much that sometimes I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
When we were at the festival a boy came up the very front of the stage wearing Brazil flip flops, jeans, and a tie dye t-shirt. he had a Nikon camera and a huge camera bag on his hip. He was tall and skinny and literally for a second I couldn't breathe. I thought it was him. I was so compelled to just run up and grab him and never let him go away to another country again. I miss him so much. I want to hear his ideas now. So much has changed since the last time I talked to him or heard his voice. So many of my ideas are different and I just feel like I would relate to him so well now. Who cares if he's a hippie? Honestly I think he is doing something that all of us just wish we had the guts to do. Fuck society. Fuck college. I need to find me. I need to be me. How can I ever do that if deep down I know the things I do are only pleasing those around me? I'm too scared to do anything about it. I always have these doubts. I don't have the money. I'm a girl, it's dangerous. When am I going to stop fooling myself? No matter how many excuses I make, the bottom line is that I just don't have the guts to do it. What if I'm scared of who I would become if I did let myself do just that? Be me. Where would I be? Who would I be? In Sociology we learned about how every decision we make, or think we made, society really made for us. The dress I'm wearing right now, society chose. The boyfriend I have right now, society chose. The computer I'm on right now, society chose. Why can't I choose? How do I learn to choose? I don't want to be someone's puppet! I want to look in a reflection and know that what I'm seeing is me and the real me that I'm allowing myself to be. I just messaged Dan on facebook. I couldn't help it. I also can't help but feel like that boy is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Do you ever feel like you connect to something so deeply that it reaches inside your very soul and pulls out a piece of you? I went to a Jack Johnson concert on July 11 with Adam and that is exactly how I felt. I honestly have never experienced so much joy in one place, at one time, in my whole entire life. I couldn't sit still and the emotions and music hit me in waves. It was probably 95 degrees, but still goosebumps developed all over my body. The lyrics of his songs are so dear to my heart. He ended with the song, "Better Together," and boy, did it hit me hard. I just stood there with Adam's arms around me and in that moment I could have lived forever. It was an unbelievable feeling. I was so euphoric. After the concert we went back to Kevin's beach house in Stone Harbor and the night just got better. Adam and I got so much closer on that trip. When we woke up the next morning we had slept in two twin beds in the same room and we woke up facing each other and started talking right away. You know when you have those sleepovers when you're younger that when you wake up you just start talking and giggling? That's exactly how it was. I feel like he's become my best friend and my boyfriend and it's kind of terrifying.
I've just been thinking tonight, while I was reading, Eat, Pray, Love, I wish we weren't so young. We both have so much life to live, but sometimes I feel like I have put myself out there too much. How well do I even know myself? Am I allowing him to shape me too much? If we ever break up am I even going to know who I am? A couple nights ago we were at Kevin's house again and we weren't in separate beds and I was lying there in his arms and I brought up the conversation, thanks to the influence of alcohol and marijuana =), that I had been keeping smashed in the back of my brain. The one conversation I didn't want to have with him. I was afraid I would scare him away. I was afraid that I was basing myself around him too much. Ever heard of the phrase, "catching your chickens before they are hatched?" Well yea, that's me. Counting my rings before they've even been imagined.
When I'm with him though, sometimes it's so hard not to think about it. I honestly do care about him so deeply it's impossible to not see a life with him. So I brought it up, casually. I remember stroking his chest and telling him to please not be freaked out by what I was about to say. Immediately I sensed that he didn't really want to me to say it, so I stopped and I asked him if he didn't want me to tell him I wouldn't. It was funny because what he said next was exactly true. He reminded me that I always say things that I regret when I'm drunk or high and with him, so he just wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret it. I had been thinking about it for so long though that I had to tell him, so I did. I said I really don't want to freak you out and I'm sure that if it doesn't work out this way we will both go on to live perfectly happy, fulfilled lives, but I can't help but picturing our life together. When I was sitting on the beach that day with Maddie while Kevin and Adam surfed she said to me, "ya know, this could still be us in ten years. I can just see it now." For a second, I rejected the thought, but then I realized yea, this could still be us in ten years. I told Adam what Maddie had said and I told him that I am not planning my life around him, but I could picture myself with him in the future. There is something so secure about being with him that I just can't resist. I thought for sure he wasn't going to say anything back to me and that I was going to be terribly sad, but he actually did say that he had been thinking the same thing. He said he's been thinking about how many of his parent's friends have been together since high school. It can happen.
I guess we have to make it through the next couple years first though. I'm leaving in sixteen days. He is going to be gone fi or seven of those sixteen. The night I have to say goodbye to him is going to be the saddest night of my life so far probably. I just teared up even thinking about it. Why can't the good things in life just stay with us? Always. I know that people say that the ones we love will always be in our hearts, but I don't just want him in my heart. I want him in my view. I want him in my arms. I want him in my bed. I want his voice in my ear. I want his touch on my skin. I want his smell in my nose. I want all of him. Always. How can I be at school and still have all of those things?
I can't. That's the simple answer. I really can't. We had a really good conversation about me leaving when we were on the beach the other night. I guess what people say is true. If we both want this relationship badly enough then it will work. If it doesn't, it was a beautiful, beautiful relationship. I want it to work though. I want it to work so, so badly.
On a completely different note, I think I want to try acid. Adam was reading me this book of his where it's basically all about acid. It's called the Kool Aid Acid Test. I guess it's all about Jerry Garcia and his travels and adventures with the drug. Anyway, after reading that I definitely want to try it. I want to experience that type of closeness with another individual and with the world around me. I feel like I would love it.
Sometimes I scare myself with how much I enjoy things. I love drinking. I love smoking, and after I try acid, I'll most likely love tripping. Where do I draw the line? How much am I willing to try? And why am I trying it? Am I looking for something? If so, what? Am I bored? Am I looking for a thrill? I can't put my finger on it. It's just something that I feel compelled to do. I feel like my experiences with music will just be so much more real and almost palpable if I do it. I want to so badly. Speaking of music experiences, I didn't even fill you in on the Newport Folk Festival!
Two weekends ago Natalie and I just randomly decided to go to the Newport Folk Festival. A bunch of really great musicians were playing and Natalie had been thinking about going for awhile, but she thought that the tickets would be super expensive. Turns out the tickets were only $125, and then we were on our way! It was quite an adventure. Ha.
It was a two day musical experience and boy was it memorable. I seriously listened to some of the most amazing music I have ever heard. It made me think of Dan so much. I met so many people that were just so nice and I seriously felt like I could have stayed there forever. Just laying out in the sun with good friends around me and the music sinking in through every pore on my body, what more can a girl ask for? Well, I might have asked for a bed. Haha.
The first night we stayed in a hotel, just because we got up there so late. We had planned on camping, but turns out all the campsites had been booked two months in advance! Guess next year we need to plan better... So a couple people asked us to stay with them on Saturday, but Natalie didn't want to stay with any of them, so we ended up staying in the car. Natalie is quite accustomed to this mode of living, I however, am I more fragile individual. I thought I could handle it, but turns out, I am not cut out for sleeping in unusual positions in creepy parking lots. I read by the light of a Barnes and Noble sign until three a.m. and then I tossed and turned for the next few hours until daylight thinking that every car was a police officer saying we couldn't stay there. It was not a restful night, to say the least. I am so happy that we stayed though, because Sunday was probably one of the most enriching experiences of my life!
We got to listen to the Felice Brothers and oh my god they were amazing. I barely even knew their music at the time, but I stood there and danced and sang and let the music wash over me. That was another one of those moments where I got goosebumps. Some things have just been hitting my so closely lately, it's almost weird. I closed my eyes and just let my body move with the music. I didn't care who watched or heard, because in my mind they weren't even there. It was just me and the music and my body swaying back and back with the lyrics resonating softly in my mind. It was bliss; pure and utter bliss. We encored them like three times and then George Wein, who is the guy who runs the whole festival and is the cutest old man alive, just allotted them more time because we were all so into it. The only thing that sucked about the experience was that the security guards were complete dicks. They were so strict and whenever anyone got really into the music and was doing stuff in the aisles they basically told them they couldn't do that. How can you tell someone they can't feel the music? You can't. I'm so happy none of them said anything to me. I don't know what I would have done. I was in a completely different state of mind, but I was seriously loving it.
Then after the Felice Brothers this other band that Natalie and I had never heard of called Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. As they set up on stage the smell of weed just crept into the tent. They are a huge hippie band, and they are amazing. Like I said, we didn't know any of the music, but I have never felt so emotionally attached to anything in my life. They are a really eclectic group of individuals. The lead singer's name is Alexander and apparently he was dating this girl that is also in the band, Jade. But sadly, they broke up and this guy that was sitting in front of us told us all about this. He said that he saw them before they broke up and it was unreal. He said sometimes you felt like you were sitting in on something so personal because of how deeply and honestly they were in love with each other. Apparently she is dating someone else in the band now, so that is kind of scandalous. You could definitely see some tension on the stage, but nothing to hinder the amazingness of the show at all. It was still incredible.
The lead singer, Alexander, honestly looks like every picture you have ever seen of Jesus. He came out dressed all in white and he has this dark brown wavy hair that is beautiful with these crystal clear blue eyes that honestly look into your soul. He actually jumped off the stage into the crowd and for a good three seconds looked into my eyes and my breath was taken away. He was almost majestic in a way. Honestly it was a crazy experience. When he is performing you can just tell that he is so into the music they are creating (and they are certainly creating it) that you can't help but be into it. You just watch him sing with every fiber of his skinny being and you can't help but dance and move with the music. God. It was amazing. Just thinking about it now I start swaying and getting into it. The whole experience was unreal.
I wish I could be true to myself. I think if I were completely true to myself I would leave everything I know and just be. Is that possible? Is it possible anywhere in this world to just be? I just want to lay in a field and watch the clouds change shape. I just want to breathe and jam and be. I want to be in New Zealand with Dan. I miss that boy so much that sometimes I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
When we were at the festival a boy came up the very front of the stage wearing Brazil flip flops, jeans, and a tie dye t-shirt. he had a Nikon camera and a huge camera bag on his hip. He was tall and skinny and literally for a second I couldn't breathe. I thought it was him. I was so compelled to just run up and grab him and never let him go away to another country again. I miss him so much. I want to hear his ideas now. So much has changed since the last time I talked to him or heard his voice. So many of my ideas are different and I just feel like I would relate to him so well now. Who cares if he's a hippie? Honestly I think he is doing something that all of us just wish we had the guts to do. Fuck society. Fuck college. I need to find me. I need to be me. How can I ever do that if deep down I know the things I do are only pleasing those around me? I'm too scared to do anything about it. I always have these doubts. I don't have the money. I'm a girl, it's dangerous. When am I going to stop fooling myself? No matter how many excuses I make, the bottom line is that I just don't have the guts to do it. What if I'm scared of who I would become if I did let myself do just that? Be me. Where would I be? Who would I be? In Sociology we learned about how every decision we make, or think we made, society really made for us. The dress I'm wearing right now, society chose. The boyfriend I have right now, society chose. The computer I'm on right now, society chose. Why can't I choose? How do I learn to choose? I don't want to be someone's puppet! I want to look in a reflection and know that what I'm seeing is me and the real me that I'm allowing myself to be. I just messaged Dan on facebook. I couldn't help it. I also can't help but feel like that boy is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
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